deadcatwithaflamethrower:

Fandom Etiquette tip # I don’t know but it’s pretty damned high on the list:

Criticizing an author who does not get paid for any reseearch performed for a fanfic (which is also free and the author does not get paid to write) about how the author didn’t put in enough effort to make things easily understandable. Despite the fact that the predominant POV is that of a character who didn’t/doesn’t understand those words, either. Despite the fact that fucking Google exists. Despite the countless hours of time that have already gone into the creation of what they’re reading.

“You didn’t write what I wanted to read!” is the rallying cry.

Go pick up an untranslated copy of Beowulf and then come back and tell me how easy it was to understand.* Even if you get the copy like I have, where the OE is on one side and the Modern English translation is on the other, OE grammar and ME grammar are two entirely different creatures. It’s not word-by-word translation.

(*Unless you are an English Major who decided to live the dream
and you’re literally conversant and can easily read Old English. You
have to shush in this instance.)

When you comment on an author’s freely given work only to tell them they’re not doing a good enough job to suit your preferences, you‘re being unbelievably selfish. Worse, if you actually like the fic in question, you are risking that the author’s updates slow down drastically as they struggle to keep caring about what they’re writing and the research it entails…or maybe they’ll walk away from the fic entirely and you’ll never find out what was meant to happen. Think it hasn’t happened before? I personally haven’t given up on my fics once they publish, but I know of so, so, so many people who did. They walked away and they did not come back. If you’ve ever discovered an excllent WIP that stopped updating with no explantaion, check the comments. Chances are good that you’ll find out why.

“Oh, but you should have thicker skin and learn to take criticism!”

Fuck you.

Criticism and critique are not the same. Proper critiquing involves pointing out what was right and good as well as whta might be troublsome. Criticism is only reinforcing the negative and actually doesn’t help anyone.

I’ve heard people use the “thick skin” argument to excuse horrific verbal abuse–I’ve even heard it from other creators, who pride themselves on their thick skin. About how anyone who doesn’t have that proud thick skin shouldn’t be playing in this big internet sandbox.

Those same creators often have stable jobs, stable lives, and aren’t battling physical or mental health problems that plague them 24/7.

Once of those other creators was once a friend. He and his infamous thick skin once spent an entire day harrassing me when I posted on Facebook about how something had happened in public that made me supremely uncomfortable. He lied about what I said (despite the post being public and Right There to verify) and got an entire group of people involved in the harrassment. Needless to say, we’re not friends anymore. That’s also about when I told Facebook to permanently go take a flying fuck.

It isn’t about someone else having thick skin. It’s about having manners, common courtesy, and some basic human fuckin’ decency.

People who talk about someone needing thick skin just want an excuse so they don’t have to face the fact that they’re thoughtless, insensitive bastards and possibly bullies as well.

You don’t know what’s going on in a creator’s life. You might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, and then all that free content you were eating up without once expressing appreciation and gratitude for it goes bye-bye.

*erases pages and pages of personal bullshit*

tl;dr Remember that your words have consequences. I try hard to do the same.

you deserving something doesn’t mean any specific person owes it to you

fierceawakening:

decepticonsensual:

fierceawakening:

neurodiversitysci:

jumpingjacktrash:

you deserve love. your crush does not owe you a date.

you deserve success. your coworkers do not owe you extra hours.

you deserve emotional support. your friends do not owe you free therapy.

what ‘you deserve this’ means is that it’s ok to want it and hope for it and try to achieve it, not that you have the authority to demand that a person provide it. it’s good to ask for it, but you have to be willing to take no for an answer.

Yes, well put. I wish all those lonely, resentful misogynist types on Reddit and 4chan understood this.

Yeah, this.

This is actually what I was trying to get at with the manipulation post.

A lot of the posts that go around saying “severely mentally ill kids don’t deserve to be lonely uwu” are actually very similar in internal logic to “no guy deserves the friend zone.”

No, no one deserves to be lonely! But it is no particular individual’s responsibility to solve this problem.

Which is why I personally think having a multiple-person support system is absolutely vital.

Because it enables you to go “Kishona is busy right now, or terribly sad herself. But I really can’t be alone right now! I know, I’ll text Dave and see if he can help.”

Just doing that has saved my ass so many times from so much misery, and also meant not heavily burdening one person.

Yes, absolutely, all of this!

I think this is also really helpful in cutting through the false dichotomy people sometimes fall into:  the idea that, “Either I am Bad and don’t actually deserve love/happiness/etc., or I do deserve it and therefore the people around me are Bad (shallow, mean, whatever) for not providing it.”

You deserve good things, and no one owes them to you.

Yes!

Fandom is focus. Fandom is obsession. Fandom is insatiable consumption. Fandom is sitting for hours in front of a TV screen a movie screen a computer screen with a comic book a novel on your lap. Fandom is eyestrain and carpal tunnel syndrome and not enough exercise and staying up way, way past your bedtime.

Fandom is people you don’t tell your mother you’re meeting. Fandom is people in the closet, people out and proud, people in costumes, people in T-shirts with slogans only fifty others would understand. Fandom is a loud dinner conversation scaring the waiter and every table nearby.

Fandom is you in Germany and me in the US and him in Australia and her in Japan. Fandom is a sofabed in New York, a roadtrip to Oxnard, a friend behind a face in London. Fandom talks past timezones and accents and backgrounds. Fandom is conversation. Communication. Contact.

Fandom is drama. Fandom is melodrama. Fandom is high school. Fandom is Snacky’s law and Godwin’s law and Murphy’s law. Fandom is smarter than you. Fandom is stupider than you. Fandom is five arguments over and over and over again. Fandom is the first time you’ve ever had them.

Fandom is female. Fandom is male. Fandom lets female play at being male. Fandom bends gender, straight, gay, prude, promiscuous. Fandom is fantasy. Fandom doesn’t care about norms or taboos or boundaries. Fandom cares too much about norms and taboos and boundaries. Fandom is not real life. Fandom is closer than real life. Fandom knows what you’re really like in the bedroom. Fandom is how you would never, could never be in the bedroom.

Fandom is shipping, never shipping, het, slash, gen, none of the above, more than the above. Fandom is love for characters you didn’t create. Fandom is recreating the characters you didn’t create. Fandom is appropriation, subversion, dissention. Fandom is adoration, extrapolation, imitation. Fandom is dissection, criticism, interpretation. Fandom is changing, experimenting, attempting.

Fandom is creating. Fandom is drawing, painting, vidding: nine seasons in four minutes of love. Fandom is words, language, authoring. Fandom is essays, stories, betas, parodies, filks, zines, usenet posts, blog posts, message board posts, emails, chats, petitions, wank, concrit, feedback, recs. Fandom is writing for the first time since you were twelve. Fandom is finally calling yourself a writer.

Fandom is signal and response. Fandom is a stranger moving you to tears, anger, laughter. Fandom is you moving a stranger to speak.

Fandom is distraction. Fandom is endangering your job, your grades, your relationships, your bank account. Fandom gets no work done. Fandom is too much work. Fandom was/is just a phase. Fandom could never be just a phase. Fandom is where you found a friend, a sister, a kindred spirit. Fandom is where you found a talent, a love, a reason.

Fandom is where you found yourself.

righteousindulgence:

noctis-nova:

noctis-nova:

When you say you’re the victim of abuse you are supposed to, by the common understanding, be able to bring up very specific episodes of that abuse in order to “prove its really abuse”.

But a lot of abuse just doesn’t work that way.

Sometimes they just wore you down constantly. Sometimes you couldn’t put your finger on it, but felt all of effects none-the-less. Sometimes its so plain awful that you’ve repressed it. Sometimes it was so damn insidious that you normalized it until one day years later you mention it and someone gives you a look of shock and you realize it wasn’t normal.

All of you. Any of you.

You are all just as valid as someone who wrote a whole damn memoir on the thing.

The stories coming out of this post are absolutely heartbreaking.

thank you for this post

abortion that late should 🚫❌

suricattus:

kailyndavillier:

taraljc:

appropriately-inappropriate:

rad-research:

evilterf:

rasen-shuriken:

I did not know that in 7 states in America, you can carry out an abortion the day before you give birth (allows abortion at any time). That’s so fucking disgusting. And other states allow abortion up to 28 weeks. That’s not a ball of cells no more, that’s a damn baby. It’s good that abortion is legal but not the fucking late into the pregnancy 😷😷 nasty

You do know the reason abortion is carried out that late in a pregnancy is because of fetal abnormalities, right? There’s no woman that stays pregnant for 8 months and then decides “Meh, I’m just gonna have an abortion instead.”

These women are not nasty, they are not evil, they are women who were so excited to welcome their little one into this world. They are women who had a nursery set up and baby clothes bought. They are women who excitedly waited for their due date, took belly photos and updated the world on how their pregnancy was coming along. They are the women who woke up one day and felt that their baby wasn’t moving anymore. They are the women that felt in their gut that something was terribly wrong, just to have their worst fears confirmed.

They are the women who went to a regular checkup to find out that their baby is severely deformed and won’t live outside the womb, or will but only for a few days and suffer terribly the whole time. They are the women who have to make a decision to not let their baby suffer.

Women having abortions that late are not women who just decided to get an abortion 8 months into pregnancy. While that is there right to do so, know that isn’t what happens. Know that that isn’t the reality.

This is really upsetting to read but it is the truth, more people need to know this.

Something like 90% of abortions are first trimester, which is so early that the medical terminology vacillates between “zygote” and “fetus”, and whatever the name, the thing’s the size of a pencil eraser and has 0% ability to survive outside of the womb.

The remainder are performed in the 2nd trimester, generally as a result of fetal abnormality or a severe congenital defect.

The vanishingly rare 3rd trimester abortions are generally for one of two reasons:

1) the life of the mother is in serious danger
2) the fetus is either dead or dying

So no. Women aren’t just bouncing on coat-hangers at 37 weeks for a giggle, they’re undertaking a serious medical procedure for a heartbreaking reason.

But nice try, jerk.

THISSSSS.

FOR EVERYONE THAT MIGHT BE CONFUSED READ THIS

Banning a D&C at later points also forces a woman to carry a dead fetus within her, full term. Even if it endangers her life (or, possibly, the life of a still-developing twin).  Because some men think human woman are the same as pigs and cows, and should behave accordingly.

jabberwockypie:

I made a simple chart to illustrate the whole Forgiveness problem that I was having with my therapist.

I can be compassionate and see nuance with almost any other person.

I absolutely CAN NOT do that with these people because the moment I do that I hit the “It was my fault for causing it”, “If I’d only been more understanding”, “If I’d only been stronger” and that HURTS ME.

Fuck that noise.

Anyone who needs the chart is welcome to it of course.

audiaphilios:

marsinlibra:

what men call “logic” is really just a lack of empathy

I have legitimately started called people out on this, and the fact that it’s a deeply gendered presumption that “logic” is a unilaterally superior decision-making tool over “emotion”. “Rational” doesn’t mean “right”, and ideas/opinions/things described as such are rarely as objective as they are purported to be.

Where polyamory gets it right, in my book, is when jealousy is accepted as just an emotion with no moral imperative, and it is embraced as an opportunity to identify, express, and meet one’s own needs better. Those needs can range from wanting to have more time with a partner, or more sex, or more help with kids, and so on.

Emma Dixon (via polylove-girls-blog)