I think the reason i’m curious about unstable sense of self is that often it’s people who would likely clinically have it–people with BPD in their username and #actuallybpd in their tags–who also get intensely political, too. (Like, take that recent post where someone said roachpatrol isn’t a guy because he likes dresses, and a real trans man wouldn’t.)
I got curious because I would think this kind of saying “you’re not a real [identity we share] unless you [are like me in this way]” would require a strong sense of self.
Like i would think otherwise you’d be all “well I don’t like that but if I’m not even sure who I am, who am I to say anything?”
Well, i think people who feel unstable want there to be more certainty in their lives, because it’s exhausting and scary not to know the answers to big, important questions like ‘who am i?’ And ‘what’s important and what’s irrelevant right now?’ And ‘what’s the right behavior in this situation?’
So you reach out for clear and simple answers that give you easy directions to follow. It takes a lot of inner confidence to be cool with ambiguity, with confusing situations, with unansweable questions.
“im a trans guy like THIS so trans guys must be like THIS or they are not trans right (because if they are like THAT and im not like THAT then maybe i am not trans right?)” is a very common feeling among people who are stressed out and miserable– insert basically ANY identity here. They don’t want one more piece of their life to be that much more confusing. And it sucks to bump into them and get yelled at, but like, it’s just not really your problem, so you don’t have to engage.
As someone who struggles with this kind of stuff, mainly due to near-constant dissociation and anxiety disorders, that seems pretty spot on. Of course, that doesn’t mean I would be justified in pulling that kind of shit, but there’s always this knee-jerk reaction of “well if they’re doing this right, and I’m doing it differently, then I’m wrong, so they must be wrong instead” when there’s not like..a “right” or “wrong” way to be trans, obviously.
There’s also a second aspect though, where sometimes you’re so certain that you’re being or doing x wrong, that your brain goes after people who are like you because if they’re like you and you know you’re doing it wrong, then they must be wrong. The first one is kind of a reaction to try to preserve a very fragile self image, whereas the second one is more the acceptance of self loathing. This is really the one I struggle with more, because my depression makes gender expression really draining for me, but that’s just me.
I think what’s important for people who struggle with that mindset, myself included, is to really familiarise themselves with these concepts and recognise where those feelings are coming from. Because while this is coming from a place of mental and emotional instability, we still have a responsibility to not be toxic and horrible to everyone in our vicinity, and it’s really not healthy either; it’s hard, but accepting that there’s more than one “right” way to be or do, is ultimately a lot more secure than lashing out constantly, because it gives one room to grow and experience instead of forcing oneself to stagnate forever.
Just one last thing, thought I would point out that this is basically the exact same mindset that is instilled in amab people and results in fragile masculinity. Which I know a lot of people take as a joke but it’s just as serious of an issue in regards to mental health, and also not something that exclusively affects men, as the mindset basically just adapts to different standards of gender presentation if the person isn’t cis.
Not seeing much of Tumblr the past couple days has been oddly freeing.
Like, I’ve missed talking to people and looking through fun posts and things. But I really don’t miss the drama and people taking everything so seriously and attacking people for misunderstands. I don’t miss the toxic environment that people on Tumblr perpetuate. It’s not everyone, but it’s enough people to stress me out, and likely others feel the same.
So, if Tumblr is stressing you out, just leave for a day or two. Remember what it’s like to not exist in this space. Then come back refreshed and ready to make your blog what you want it to be. Simply because Tumblr is, and has become known as, a toxic space doesn’t mean you have to build onto that. Make your Tumblr experience better by remembering the world don’t revolve around the bullshit that’s here.
Dealing with
executive dysfunction and ADHD becomes so much easier when you stop trying to
do things the way you feel like you should
be able to do them (like everyone else) and start finding ways that
actually work for you, no matter how “silly” or “unnecessary”
they seem.
For
years my floor was constantly covered in laundry. Clean laundry got
mixed in with dirty and I had to wash things twice, just making more
work for myself. Now I just have 3 laundry bins: dirty (wash it
later), clean (put it away later), and mystery (figure it out later).
Sure, theoretically I could sort my clothes into dirty or clean as
soon as I take them off and put them away straight
out of the dryer, but
realistically that’s never going to be a sustainable strategy for me.
How
many garbage bins do you need in a bedroom? One? WRONG! The correct
answer is one within arms reach at all times. Which for me is three.
Because am I really going to
get up to blow my nose when I’m hyperfocusing? NO. In
allergy season I even have
an empty kleenex box for “used
tissues I can use again.”
Kinda gross? Yeah. But less gross than a
snowy winter landscape of dusty germs on my
desk.
I
used to be late all the time
because I couldn’t find my house key. But it costs $2.50 and 3
minutes to copy a key, so now there’s one in my backpack, my purse,
my gym bag, my wallet, my desk, and hanging on my door. Problem
solved.
I’m
like a ninja for getting pout the door past reminder notes without noticing. If I really don’t want to forget something, I make a
physical barrier in front of my door. A
sticky note is a lot easier to walk past than a two foot high
cardboard box with my wallet on top of it.
Executive dysfunction is always going to cause challenges, but often half the struggle is trying to cope by pretending not to have executive dysfunction, instead of finding actual solutions.
i left cabinet doors open all my life and couldn’t make myself stop leaving them open until i figured out my subconscious just wants to know where everything is at a glance. i put labels on each cabinet door for what was behind the cabinet and after that i was a lot better at closing them.
showers are hard for me because they involve a lot of steps to get in and out. buying cleaning hand wipes helps me stay a lot cleaner and happier when i’m too tired or distracted to make myself be a normal person– they’re faster and involve way less prep time, decision making, and unpleasant physical sensations.
i have disordered eating because, again, getting food is complicated, much less cooking anything. buying 10-12$ of cliff bars at a go and keeping them in my room by my bed gives me a headstart on breakfast and lets me take my meds on time. otherwise i would lie in bed, not taking my meds because i had to eat, and not eating because i was too tired and nauseous from being hungry to get out of bed.
‘just try harder’ is not a solution. figuring out the actual problem and addressing it is the solution.
’normal’ isn’t the goal. you can’t be normal. it’s too late, but you know what, fuck normal. trying to be normal is going to kill you. ‘functional’ is the goal, and you can be functional. you can kick ass at functional. and that’s a lot better.
When I talk about how there is no universal system for Keeping Your Shit Together, and how it’s more important to find a system that works for you, this is exactly the kind of thing I mean.
My keys hang on the door so I literally can’t leave my apartment without touching them. My socks kept getting everywhere when I kept them with my other clothes, so instead I now keep them in a little hutch in the kitchen, where I keep all my shoes. All my silverware is in jars on my kitchen island so I can see clearly when I am out of forks. When I didn’t want to put on my socks to go running, I bought running shoes that didn’t require socks. There are people who would find all of the above unworkable and/or appalling but they don’t have to live my life and I do.
Find what works for you and work it. Doesn’t matter if it’s weird or unusual or not as healthy as some weird ideal which is probably just a marketing tool anyway. If it works, work it.
Hey fun fact the people 28 and over on this website actually do KNOW that the average age skews much lower so like, reminding us is pretty pointless?
More to the point, as much as you guys are way better at identifying and calling out misogyny than I was at your age, a lot of people are really terrible at picking up on one particular kind of misogyny, and that is the creepy upper age limit for space and existence you’re setting for women in your communities.
This may not be easy to instantly identify because it’s not really ageism across the board, for example, this idea that fandom has an upper age limit is not something that effects a lot of men in fandom. Women, on the other hand, are apparently expected to re-direct their fan obsession, fixation, or hobby to things like crafting, child-rearing, and housekeeping just as soon as they become a mom or reach that “typical mom” age. Adult fangirls are “immature” and “need to grow up,” while adult fanboys are literally just a fact of life, as if we both haven’t always been there.
Whenever you question a woman’s right to this space because of her age or parental status, you are reinforcing a stereotype that has effects that reach beyond that one situation. The expectation, for example, that 40 year old men be catered to when writing comics, but that characters of interest to 40 year old women are obsolete or unprofitable.
When actresses over 30 are written out of their franchises or written exclusively in villain/mother/crone roles, this not only furthers the impression that women over 30 have no interest in these franchises, but actually causes women over 30 to disengage with these franchises as a self fulfilling prophecy. A sudden loss of representation can be a real buzzkill, as many of you already know too well.
Women over 30 are often sexual and a lot of us get fan crushes or thirst at the exact same rate as younger people do, but you’re not going to hear about it because every one of us has been shamed at one point or another for expressing desire for age-appropriate fictional characters that was totally acceptable when we were five years younger. Add to that dissonance the fact that A LOT of you are fixated on and thirsting after characters that are actually closer to OUR age if not our age exactly.
Hell, we transfer directly from EVERYONE wanting to hear about our desires and attractions to people being equally disgusted. This is pretty dissonant on a website stuffed full of explicitly sexual material, and it’s especially difficult and heartbreaking for the 30+ year olds who JUST CAME OUT and get an extra level of taboo on top of what is most likely a heaping dose of internalized homophobia.
And I know it’s coming so I’m just going to head it off at the pass, this OBVIOUSLY does not mean that you need to engage in any overtly sexual topic with an older person if that discomfits you, and it doesn’t even mean you need to INTERACT with us, because well, you don’t HAVE to interact with anyone on this website if you don’t want to.
But realize what you’re doing when your reaction to the desire of a 30 year old woman to a 30 year old fictional character is revulsion or a suggestion that she is over-sharing. Notice your shock when you realize that older women inhabit the fandom and recognize that that shock has nothing to do with those women.
Pay attention to the double standard that allows you to embrace rude bigoted 50 year old male comic creators/collectors and equally feel like there’s something wrong or stunted about a woman into the same things. Think about it because that stuff will sneak up on you, and you are probably pretty sure that you’re not going to turn 28 and magically drop all your interests, because no one should expect you to.
My nerd is just as strong now as it was at 17
My nerd has aged like a fine wine, my nerd is so much stronger now you could get drunk off the fumes.
When you discuss the wage gap, here are a few things to keep in mind:
Only white women make $0.77 to a man’s dollar.
Black women make about $0.68 to a man’s dollar.
Latina women make about $0.58 to a man’s dollar.
Intersectionality matters.
I will keep reblogging this to point out that disabled people, including men, make 22 cents on the dollar. Mostly because it is legal to pay us below minimum wage, but whatevs.
use the right pronouns for people even when they cant hear you
Can I point out one exception? Don’t use pronouns when it could out the person. If a trans woman isn’t out to her parents and uses she/her pronouns, don’t use she/her in front of her parents. If you aren’t sure, ask the person. Don’t put trans people in danger
I think this is the only time I’ve ever seen someone giving an example of a time you should not use correct pronouns for someone and agreed with it.
If you don’t believe being asexual has any negative affect on people I was told by a psychiatrist that none of my relationships count because we didn’t have sex, and
I can’t say I’m gay since I don’t want to have sex with girls.
and I was taken off my antidepressants because they may be lowering the libido I never had in the first place (plus various other reasons, but still immediately, cold turkey, which should NEVER happen unless they’re switching you to something else)
But aphobia doesn’t exist and asexuals are privileged, right?
Sorry to add to this but I wanted to say since I’ve had bad experiences with mental health professionals and biphobia, I usually get asked “but are you sure you are sexually attracted to both sexes, are you sure it’s not just an emotional attraction?!” Like my dude don’t you think I can tell the difference between wanting to date someone and wanting to be friends? Also, due to be gray ace 90% of the time I am not even attracted to anyone but like sure, make me feel guilty that I can’t “prove” my bisexuality.
Sorry too but to add on, being aro isn’t much different. I told my therapist and she was immediately concerned that my meds were repressing “all my emotions” and wanted to take me off them. My insurance ran out and I went off them bc of no money before that happened. She also suggested dating someone anyway to “fix” the “issue” and expressed concern that my emotions (romantic feelings) weren’t present because “I’m suspicious and untrusting of everyone and don’t want to try hard enough.”
Having your orientation medicalized and invalidated is bad enough, but its fucking dangerous to have your meds taken away because you’re not performing relationships the way some doctor thinks you’re required to.
Aaaand this is why we need the bi/pan/ace/aro alliance.
this is why we need to recognize more queer experiences and identities than gay and lesbian, through increased awareness, information and representation.
Writing is a process that often undergoes heavy edits… that includes responding to feedback.
“I’M MAD THAT THIS FREE CONTENT IS NOT TO MY SPECIFICATIONS, YOU NEED TO FIX IT” has been many an internet reader’s rallying cry since the Eternal Summer began.
Every time a reader says to me “You (your health) matter more than a fic update” makes me feel both warm and fuzzy, like I am a person who matters! And like a minor miracle has occurred.
There's a Mirror on the Wall 