Tag: adhd

Writing update and brain weasel related melt down/word vomit under the cut because it got long.

My drafts folder on here currently contains a half dozen non-fic posts, a dozen and a half of mixed old-fic-posts and fic-rec-posts and a dozen unfilled prompts. Approximately, anyway.

The fic rec posts mostly need me to queue them up and make sure they’re tagged properly. I might do that tomorrow.

The old-fic posts need me to go rummaging on my hard drive and copy-paste fic, and for me to queue them up, and then they’re ready to go. Another thing I might do tomorrow because it’s pretty simple.

I don’t know if I will ever fill those prompts. At least one of them I’m fairly certain I won’t fill, because not my AU, I just was happy to do some world building and let other people use it. It’s marked for art, but I have no idea what I’d even do for that.

The rest of them. Some of smut-prompts, and those aren’t getting filled any time soon (my ability to deal with sex in fic, writing or reading, fluctuates, and has been on a seriously nope for the last several months; if interest returns, I’ll get to those prompts).

The non-smut prompts… I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.

I mean, I’m fairly sure a lot of what’s made it hard to write is I’ve been so damned tired for months now, because I am constantly fighting my brain and body to just keep going, and there’s been extra fuel for the brain weasels since November, and it’s making it that much harder to get them out of my way. Just for things like eating and getting enough to drink on a regular basis.

Yeah, I get things done, but right now, it feels like so damned little, and I haven’t gotten more than a handful of words most days for the last two months, if any at all, and just. It feels like I’m going nowhere, no matter what I get done.

(Right now, the brain is being horrible enough that even the getting a doctor’s appointment feels like it’s a pointless achievement. I’m aware that it’s not, it just feels like it right now.)

And when my brain gets to a point like this, reminding myself that I have achieved things, and recently, doesn’t actually help. Might help tomorrow, might help in a week, but right now, tonight, no. Tonight is a night of holding on by my fingernails and refusing to let the brain weasels win, but fuck, it’s hard.

(I don’t even know if I’m trying to ask for help or just venting right now, though I am definitely venting. Get it out of my head before it runs in circles and blows itself even further out of proportion.)

I’ve been on this hellsite two and a half years now. I can look back, if I’ve tagged shit well enough, and see the ups and downs of my mental health and physical health and living situation. I can look at it, and put my finger on certain things that have helped, and things that definitely have not. I’ve gotten words for things I didn’t have words for before (agender, aromantic, autochorisexual), I’ve found people I am willing to call friend, and who reach back when I reach out. And you know, that does help. Putting that into words helps, as well as the people and the words and the documenting of shit.

(Heh. I can look at this post and see the meltdown and the hopefully-not-momentary recovery. It’s still hard, my headspace is still not good, but that wrenching, hungry pit of despair at the futility of everything isn’t trying to chew its way out from my rib cage at this point. It’s still there, nestled at the base of my sternum, gently gumming at my stomach and diaphragm, but it’s not gaping hungrily and trying to swallow me whole any longer.)

What’s the cutest thing kitkat has done lately? did she miss you while you were gone? how long is your hair? do you have a favorite hairstyle to do if you’re having a good day? (can you see the ADD on my end too? XD)

1 – Cutest thing Jessamine has done lately is that thing where cats streeeetch all the way out while on the floor, showing off the soft fuzzy tummy for pettings until they curl up and attach themselves to the hand petting them (gently, and I was inviting her to wrestle at the time, but without gloves, so she knew to be gentle and not use teeth or more than a little bit of claw).

Oh! Also, she apparently, while I was gone, when given the opportunity to look out the door, decided to growl at the entire concept of outside. *very big grin* That, or the local tom cat, or the local squirrels. Because the local tom (a tuxedo cat, called, unimaginatively, Tux) has decided he likes climbing partway up the stairs. And every time she gets to watch a video with squirrels on my phone, she attempts to eat my phone, or at least kill it.

2 – Judging from how much she was purring like a little motor, and stropping all over me and then generally pointedly ignoring me unless it was for food, I think she did miss me.

3 – When dry and loose, the tips tickle the backs of my knees. When wet and loose, the tips ignore my knees in favor of ticking my calves. Granted, only about two inches down, just above the thickest part, but still. It’s as long as it’s going to get at this point, and is sometimes inconvenient, but not enough for me to have any lasting desire to cut it when I can’t regrow it in an instant.

4 – If my hair is cooperating and it isn’t too soon after washing (I can’t do anything with it the first two or three days after it dries, so most of a week out from washing, because it takes two days to dry fully), than I’ll braid it in two braids and wind the two around each other, pinned in place with two hair forks. I should have pictures posted somewhere, give me a moment to find where I put them. Provided I tagged them, of course.

Hee! Here – https://morgynleri.tumblr.com/post/142202927479/i-like-the-two-that-i-took-to-see-what-the-sides – this is the best set of photos that I’ve posted. I’m going to have to get new photos the next time I do it up like that, because I like having the pictures.

(*another very big grin, and raises a glass in salute*)

Thinky Thoughts

Thinky thoughts for the evening – really, for the last week or so – that I’m to the point of going “fuck if someone else has said it, or if it pisses anyone off”.

There has been, since I started writing, this concept of the Mary Sue. The “badly written authorial insert”, nominally. Always female. Often young. Always the protagonist of the fic.

And you know what? That discourages people from seeing themselves as the protagonist. It says that only certain types of people are allowed to be protagonists, and certainly not anyone who identifies as female.

That probably has been said more eloquently by people who have more time and faster fingers on the keyboard. I’ve probably even seen it float past on my dash. Still needed to articulate it anyway.

But that definition of Mary Sue has made it incredibly hard for me to be confident of OCs, especially non-male OCs, until recently. Left me wary of shaping characters who in any way resembled me that were meant for anything other than throw-away fic. Stuff meant to be self-deprecating and laughed at. Not with. At.

It’s that which made the post about doing a self-indulgent self-insert thing in January make me stop and think and go… “yes, yes I want to do this, even if no one reads.” And honestly, I don’t think the intrusive, niggling thought that no one wants to see a protagonist who is agender, aro-ace*, with invisible disabilities and mental health issues, deeply introverted, sometimes non-verbal, sometimes can’t be brief to save their life, both badly touch-starved and averse to physical contact (especially with strangers and/or without knowing it’s coming), and prone to severe bouts of anxiety when in unfamiliar non-emergency situations (and sometimes in emergency situations, too, the mess in my head keeps getting worse) will go away.

In short, I keep having this niggling fear that no one is going to want to see me in a story. Especially if I’m doing me from a first-person POV, as I am with the one. And may well do with the other. And doing the “gonna save as many as I can” thing, provided someone believes me, and doesn’t just think I’m crazy.

Anyway. I keep telling myself that this fear is my brain lying to me, and I’ll be fine, but it won’t shut up, because it’s winter and there’s not enough sun and it’s been a crap year for brain chemistry anyway, and yeah. I’m going to go back to attempting to write myself into my favorite universes, and see if I can’t keep my favorites alive because what else is writing self-indulgent fluff for?

(Do not tell me for getting into the pants of favorite characters, unless you mean that literally in the “their letting me borrow their clothes because I only have what I showed up in” sense. For others, yes, it may be. See also aromantic asexual*. I’ll be fine without sex or romance.)

*Asexual spectrum, because seriously, there’s flexibility and fluctuation in there for me, and it’s just easier to say ace and be done with it than try to explain further.

adhd friendships: a summary

cutestbpd:

-“Sorry I didn’t answer I spaced out”

-*randomly switching topics mid conversation*

-“I know this is unrelated, but”

-”I’m feeling horrible” *five minutes later* “uh nevermind that”

– “When did we start talking?” “I don’t remember”

– *both infodump to each other*

– more typos than any human being is able to handle

– when you get really excited and you stay up until 7 am taking about random shit

– accidental derailing the conversation over and over

-”have i already told you this i can’t remember” “don’t worry i can’t either”

adhighdefinition:

30 Essential Ideas you should know about ADHD: Inhibition, Impulsivity, and Emotion

“So now we can begin to understand the numerous social problems that ADHD children are prone to because it arises from this aspect of the inhibitory deficit.
Suffice to say it explains the road rage during driving, the job dismissals which are not the result of inattentiveness but of being too quick to anger, too quick to express raw emotions in the workplace of which employers are not tolerant, especially if it occurs with a customer. And it also explains to us the marital difficulties and the parenting difficulties these children may be prone to. Because the single best predictor of marital problems in the adult with ADHD is not distractibility, it is emotion.”

Dr. Russell A Barkley explains it so well. Please watch the whole video if you truly want to understand what people with ADHD are going through. Bless this man for understanding that this disorder is NOT just about attention difficulties.