I don’t know all the reasons why I like dark things, and I don’t think I need to know them all, but… I was just looking at the blog of that person who said I “dehumanize and fetishize” gay men, and I saw that he was quite young (15) and his blog was all full of pastel colors and references to his mental illness and something dawned on me that I hadn’t thought about in a Tumblr context at all.
Part of my PTSD is about experiences I had in hospitals, and because of that one of my triggers is… not pastels, all by themselves, but like… have you ever stayed in a hospital as a kid? And everything is covered in soothing soft colors and all the nurses wear scrubs with like… cute animal drawings on them and everyone talks in a sing-song voice and reassures you things won’t hurt when they OBVIOUSLY will and you’d rather they tell the truth, accept that you have good reasons to be scared, and get it the hell overwith?
Yeah, I think I just figured out why those kids’ blogs give me a weird tingly feeling of creeping dread.
And I think I figured out, also, where my intense leeriness of “safe spaces” and trigger warnings comes from too–even though as a person with PTSD I’m supposed to want them.
It’s because in my experience, people who were trying to make me feel safe were LYING. They were lying because it was in their interest–in mine, too, but in theirs–for me to feel calm and soothed. For me not to feel despair, or anger, or blind screaming rage.
…Is it any wonder I like the stories where the people with the knives and the cruel smiles and the mind games are blatant about it? Or that I might want a few knives of my own, even though I have no desire to hurt anyone who isn’t going to get off on it?
I don’t want those kids to not need safety.
I want them to stop pretending safety looks the same for everyone.
Yes, this.
When people tell me “You’re safe,” I don’t think of Helpful Adult saving me from the monsters under the bed. I think of my teachers, saying the people who hurt me would never do such a thing, and I should stop lying because I was perfectly safe. I think of the people who used to hug me until my lungs wouldn’t fill and my ribs creaked, and got away without a whisper of a reprimand. Because they were pretty and soft, and I was cold and harsh.
That’s not safe, to me. That’s the most dangerous place in the world, because the people who live there will do anything- anything at all- if it means they don’t have to acknowledge how nasty their walled garden has really gotten. Because if I defend myself, they can’t pretend anymore. And they sure as hell won’t defend me.
THIS.
I have experienced a lot of passive-aggressive emotional abuse in my life and let me tell you – my abusers had a vested interest in keeping me calm.
Upset means resistance. Upset means that they have to face the damage they’ve caused. Upset means that you may finally realize that you should leave. Upset means that you might just get up and leave. So they soothe you. They make you doubt the validity of your feelings. They make you feel guilty for getting upset. They make you think that the issue was your fault in the first place. They make you feel like getting upset is pointless. They make you feel like you have wronged them and yourself by being unhappy.
You do not have to let yourself be soothed. You do not have to let them take the fight out of you. If you do not feel safe; you do not have to feel guilty for getting yourself out. You do not have to feel guilty for being upset when someone has wronged you. You do not have to feel guilty for seeking your own brand of safety.
This is the most poignant description of what it actually feels like to be helpless in an institution that I’ve ever read.
It’s a special kind of violence to be hurt and to be told that it’s kindness. It’s intensely intimate and perverted. Succumbing to it is… spiritually destructive in a way that I have a hard time putting to words. Just… in my safe space I’m always fighting because as long as I continue to struggle that very special form of violence can’t take hold of me and I’ll be okay.
Like… when I get triggered about some of these experiences I’ll even have fantasies about dying while resisting. I mean… I don’t want to go into details because super triggering but… just think about that for a moment.
“It’s a special kind of violence to be hurt and to be told that it’s kindness. It’s intensely intimate and perverted.”
My experiences are not exactly the same as yours, but this, yes.
This is why I have such intense reactions to unkind SJ, whether it’s “sit down, shut up, and listen” (gee, what might that resemble?) or “representation means heroes with no serious flaws.”
Because that particular “shh, shh, shh, if we pretend utopia is already here, it soon will be” lie has hurt me EVERY TIME I’ve heard it.
I’m learning now that the roots of a lot of my trauma was this exact “your life is perfect, you’re not allowed to feel anything other than happiness, you’re ungrateful,” yelling more if I cried, any inkling of talking back or standing up for myself was met with twice the punishment, etc
So while it’s understandable that those in a dark place seek softness and gentle color, and there’s nothing wrong with that, those of us forced into it seek the grime as a form of truth and expression that wasn’t allowed for us, or a fictional playground of violence and anger where we can actually scream our frustrations onto a canvas.
And telling people that they should ditch such exploration for holy goodness is just another form of telling us our anger shouldn’t exist
Boom.
Tag: abuse
autistic people using big words and “clinical” sounding language because they feel it to be the most effective means of communication is so often perceived by allistics as pretension. autistics are then made fun of for this use of language which can be incredibly damaging and often causes autistics to retreat further into themselves as any attempts they make to communicate with allistics cause them to be punished
so in general if you don’t like the way someone speaks (especially if you know for a fact that they’re autistic) maybe don’t make fun of them and instead do your best to understand and communicate with them in a way that’s beneficial to you both
welcometotheravenclawcommonroom:
hey so protip if you have abusive parents and need to get around the house as quietly as possible, stay close to furniture and other heavy stuff because the floor is settled there and it’s less likely to creak
- socks are quieter than bare feet on tile/wood and for the love of god don’t wear slippers/shoes if you can help it
- climbing ON the furniture will disrupt the pattern of your footsteps and make it harder to hear where you are in the house
- crawling will do the same and if you get caught crawling you can pretend you fell
- the floor near the wall can be really loud if the floorboards/carpet is old and not completely flush to the wall
- do NOT attempt to use a rolling chair to travel without footsteps. they are extremely loud and hard to steer
Also. Breath with your mouth and not your nose. Your nose will whistle. Trust me.
If you need to get into your fridge, jab your finger into the rubber part that seals the door closed and create a tiny airway. This will prevent the suction noise when you open the door.
When drinking liquids (juice mostly), pour out your glass (or chug from the jug) and replace what you drank with water. If it was full enough in the beginning, no one will notice. DO NOT STEAL ALCOHOL. THEY WILL NOTICE IF IT’S WATERED DOWN.
Bring a pillowcase for dried foods like cereal and granola. It helps to muffle the sound it makes when it pours.If your house has snack packs (like gummy bears or crackers or chips), count them every day until you know the rhythm that they get consumed. (This took me a week and a half with my twin brother and sister). Then join the rhythm when you make your nightly visits. It will be that much harder to figure out it was you.
KEEP A TRASH BAG UNDER YOUR BED FOR WRAPPERS AND STUFF BUT DONT FORGET TO THROW IT OUT WHENEVER YOU CAN. BUGS YKNOW.
Hope this helped.I might have some useful info to add.
-a jar of peanut butter is long lasting and easy to hide under a bed or in a dresser drawer. I lived off of jars of peanut butter and boxes of saltine crackers I would buy on grocery trips with my mom.
-two words: Slipper Socks. These are the socks that have rubber designs on the bottom for grip. They make no noise, and also keep you steady on slicker surfaces like tile and wood. You can find them cheap at Walmart. They also keep your feet more protected if you’re outside.
-if you’re secure enough in your room to have a small food stash, make sure you’re not too obvious about it (duh) but also move its location every few days. I kept mine in a shoebox under my bed, then switched it to a backpack in my closet, then wedged between my bookshelf and wall, and I would cycle locations until i moved it permanently to a false-bottomed drawer I installed in my dresser when my father was gone for a weekend. I would NEVER put food directly into my stash after taking it. I would keep it in pockets of my clothes and between books until everyone went to sleep, then I’d stock and stow my stash for the next few days.
-get a water bottle with a filter in it. I used to be able to reach my bathroom from my bedroom door down the hall using a huge step or minor jump/leap. If I was afraid of being caught at night, I’d fill up the humidifier tank we kept under our sink while I took a short shower, and would refill my water that way. It might not be the best option, but I kept a small stockade of water under my bed for emergencies.
-if you can, smuggle your garbage out in your backpack or purse. Dispose of it at work/school. I got caught twice by carelessly throwing away packaging.
-if someone knows the situation you’re going through (close friend/partner/etc) see if there’s a way for them to get food or other supplies to you at school or work or what private time you may get. A hidden first aid kit literally saved parts of my body before and I owe it to a close friend.
-try learning the building’s natural rhythm. The house I grew up in would creak and settle heavily every night for 3-5 minutes. That was my shot, and I had to be QUICK. I still got caught a few times, but learning the patterns in our floors and walls, when they creaked, WHERE they creaked, kept me going. Eventually I was sprinting in slipper socks to the kitchen and back in less than 90 seconds.
-if you have stairs, or live upstairs. Sit as you go down them one at a time, or climb up them like an animal. It keeps you low/out of lots of motion sight, and also can reduce noise and creaking by distributing weight over more than 1-2 steps.
-You can use common hand sanitizer to remove the stains certain snack foods leave behind (coughs cheeto fingers) and a dry toothbrush can help scrub the color off your tongue. If you can get powdered toothpaste or toothpaste tabs to keep on hand, it makes a huge difference in sneakiness.
-I don’t recommend going for dried foods like granola or cereal unless you can sneak it to a secure place to get it. It’s too loud, it’s a gamble every time for something with less caloric intake than it’s worth if you get caught. Of course, there are times when that’s the only option!!
-if you’re taking milk, add water, but be SURE to shake/agitate the bottle to distribute the dairy fat with the water. I got into the habit of shaking milk jugs when I started sneaking it, and explained the habit as something I read in an old comic strip my father showed me. (Back when whole milk had a lot more cream fats and they’d separate, so shaking it would redistribute the cream.) I still shake milk jugs to this day.
-if your windows open or don’t have screens, eat leaning out an open window. Any food mess will be lost in the dirt. I was lucky I had bushes and birds outside that would catch my granola bar crumbs before anyone could notice.
-canned goods are tempting, but not worth it. It requires too many tools (can opener/strained sometimes/utensils/some need heat) stick to thinks like various nut butters (sunflower/peanut/almond), crackers, dried fruit, and easy to conceal food bars (nature valley/nutrigrain/etc.) dried ramen packets are good uncooked if you can stand the texture. Apple sauce and pudding cups are also easier to sneak and stash than one might think, and can be eaten with your fingers. The only canned foods I recommend are condensed soups and precooked pasta (spaghetti-o’s). You can easily mix them with a little bit of hot water from the tap and get something more sustaining than a handful of captain Crunch. The cans are cheap, sometimes recyclable, and drinking soup takes way less time than chewing solid food.
-if you menstruate, attempt to stash pads/tampons in a safe location. Sometimes shit happens. Pads can work as bandages in emergency situations. Sometimes shark week comes unexpectedly. If you can sneak a roll of toilet paper or paper towels, these are also life savers.
-plastic utensils from takeout containers can be hidden inside socks and will be worth their weight in gold when you least expect it. I bought myself a tiny plastic bowl from the dollar store and kept cheap trinkets in it on my desk so it didn’t seem like a bowl I was eating out of. You could try this with something like a mason jar, which is also useful for drinking out of or storing water.
-if you’re eating a crunchy or solid food, try soaking it in water. Mushy food can be repulsive in texture, but I could clock the sound of someone eating a nature valley oat bar from like 6 miles away. Dunking it in water (or using a secret bowl+water) can reduce noise, and also eating time since you don’t have to chew as much.
-keep a laundry bar or tide pen on you. Laundry bars are super useful, a little hard to find though. I washed a lot of stains out of my clothes with laundry bars in my bathroom sink as a kid. Not proud if it, but it kept me flying under the radar at school.
-clear rubber bands, plain twine or string, paper clips, and thumb tacks. Indescribably useful. I once rigged a system to open tricky cabinets and get objects from inside using two paper clips and a foot of plain string like a mock lasso system.
-if you’re pulling objects from tall cabinets, use your chest or stomach to cushion them. Let them fall into your torso and then into your hands cradled underneath. Not as loud, not as much grabbing, if someone sees it they can mistake it for it falling on you by the body language.
-get a bandana. Or four. Napkins, bandages, tool, and accessory all in one.
-get a tiny sewing kit. I’m talking 3 needles and a spool of thread tiny. Scissors if you can sneak it. See things into your clothes. Make hidden pockets or compartments. Threadbanger on YouTube did a video a few years ago about sneaking things into music festivals using tiny clothing mods, but they may be useful in sneaking money or medicine.
-on the topic of sneaking money. don’t take bills, take change. If your abusers don’t meticulously count their nickels and pennies, they’re an easy(ish) way to build up a tiny savings pool. I found nickels the least noticed coin I took, even more than pennies, and taking two every few nights from where they’d be tossed on our countertop soon built up to a semi-reliable fund I passed off to someone to get me food for my stash without having to sneak it from the kitchen. As soon as I became “independent” in my food storage, I was subjected to much less scrutiny. I managed to build up a solid 1-2 week ration supply after hoarding change.
-you can tape SD cards to the inside of book dust covers(the part that folds inside the actual cover of the book), if you have a sewing kit or zipper on it inside the stuffing of your pillow (trim a corner, stuff it inside, stitch it closed) or (this is final resort) VERY CAREFULLY remove the covering from your outlet and tape it to the wall stud before replacing the casing. I kept mine inside part of my wooden bed frame that I hollowed out using, you guessed it, take out silverware knives and 4 nights without sleep.
-THE FLOOR IS LAVA WAS KEY TRAINING FOR ME AS A CHILD. I learned to take pillows with me, climb on furniture to disrupt my flow of movement, toss a pillow down, and use that to cushion any rattle our living room could give off as I crept to the kitchen from the side entrance so my mom’s dog wouldn’t bark or alert anyone. I highly suggest crawling around on all fours like some sort of beast to stay out of sight.
-can you run your house blindfolded?? If you can’t. Maybe you should try to learn. I suffered some heavy eye traumas growing up and had a collective 3-4 months just IN THE DARK. Eyes bandaged, left alone. It was terrible, but damn if I couldn’t navigate the whole place silently, without any visual cues. This helps a lot with the whole moving around in the dark thing, too. Listening is obviously key.
-if your parents start getting suspicious, or you’re suspicious they’re getting suspicious, watch out for traps. String on the ground that gets shifted when you walk on it. Baby powder or flour left to track footprints or doors opening/closing. My dad was partial to wrapping a bungee cord around my doorknob and attaching it to the closet across the hallway. I wouldn’t be able to open my door enough to get out, or if I did, I risked ruining the structural integrity of the wrappings he did, and he would notice.
-learn to tie some knots. Strong ones. They’ll come in handy at one point or another.
-remember that you’re not totally alone. There’s people out there for you. Wanting to make everything better. You don’t deserve what’s happening, it isn’t normal, and you will eventually find help. But staying safe is important, and you are important.
It upsets me that people might need to know these but I know it could really help someone by reblogging
being able to get around your house blindfolded (or, you know, just in the dark, in the middle of the night, without turning on any lights) is SUPER IMPORTANT. im lucky because i have natrually good night vision, but even without it you want to be able to get around your house in the dark. don’t be afraid to use your hands as your eyes. its way more helpful than most people realize.
Watching out for traps is a really good tip. When I was really young, I would get up in the middle of the night to sneak food out of the trash (I know, not the healthiest, but I was like 4). My mom strung cat bells along the hallway and around the trash can. The first bell I hit, I bolted back to my bed and didn’t sleep for the rest of the night thinking she would come in.
Another tip: Halloween time, sneak as much candy as you can into your pockets in between each house. Chocolate always worked better for me. M&Ms have probably saved my life. The sugar can help on those days where you get the shakes.
When you open the fridge, break the seal first, then get the light off as soon as possible. There’s no point in being silent if you’re a literal beacon in the night. If you can figure out a way to hold the button down before ever opening the door, great. I would use a school ruler, and just slide it under the seal where the button was.
I know how tempting it is to eat everything you can find when your left in the house alone. DON’T. Take a little bit of everything, I’m talking minuscule. It’s less noticeable and can keep you from getting sick off of the same thing over and over.
When you get an actual meal, don’t inhale it. Try to chew each bite about 5 times first. It’ll keep you from over eating and throwing it all back up later. Make this opportunity count.
Learn who you can trust. My mother abused us for years, and no one in the family knew until very recently. If there’s an aunt or uncle or grandparent who you get to spend time with alone, TAKE ADVANTAGE. Take whatever they will give you. A bath, a sandwich, a drink, a nap, anything. It may be a while between visits, and you don’t know when you’ll get those things again.
Stay safe. Please.
Also (mod desi here). This may sound like the same old “I’m here for you advice” but it’s something I wish I had done. If there is someone in a position to help you, TAKE IT!!! I spent years with an emotionally and psychologically abusive caretaker before my dad married my mom that took “care” of us while he was at work (she never hit me, but I believe she might have if she wouldn’t have had to account for the bruises to my dad). I never said a word about what I went through during his long shifts because I was afraid. I wish I had. My dad loves me to pieces and he was in my corner through everything and he would’ve done everything in the world to make it better for me. If I had only spoken up, I might have saved myself years of emotional trauma. If it’s not safe and there’s no one you can tell, definitely follow this advice, but if there’s someone who could get you into a more secure situation, especially if there isn’t fear of being put into the foster system or that person would take you in (like the other parent, a close relative, etc.) take it. If you can relatively safely get out but you’re scared, take a leap of faith. That is my survivors advice. I know it’s terrifying, but I’m telling you as someone who wished they’d done it.
I know this is supposed to be helpful but really you guys sound like you’re giving pointers on how to be a better crook.
@iamcuziam I know this seems ghastly in the casual way the pointers are given, but it’s not always safe to tell someone. While there are some situations in which conquering your fear and telling someone who can help, in some cases when there’s nobody else in the family who could take them, telling someone or trying to get out could result in being put into the foster care system, and while it could be better in a foster home, it could also be worse. Getting out of a physically abusive home only to go into a sexually abusive foster home is a very real possibility in a lot of places. Sometimes it’s better just to try to survive, and I love that this post is accepting of that and isn’t saying “you need to go to a social worker or the police no matter what” because the system is so fucked that doing that makes it worse as often as it makes it better. Also, the blasé manner in the way this advice is given is really nice because it doesn’t treat kids in this situation as if they are broken or fragile or creatures to be pitied: it treats them like human beings. And that means a lot to kids who can’t get out just trying to survive. I hope that clears things up a bit.
As Is – arsenicarcher (Arsenic) – The Avengers (2012) [Archive of Our Own]
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: The Avengers (2012), Avengers (Marvel) – All Media Types
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Relationships: Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Clint/OMC
Characters: Clint Barton, Phil Coulson, Nick Fury, Maria Hill, Natasha Romanov, Pepper Potts, Tony Stark, OMCs, OFCs
Additional Tags: Slavery, Abuse, Torture, Stockholm Syndrome, Ableism, Amputation, Medical Procedures, Medical Inaccuracies, Hurt/Comfort, Body Image, Rape/Non-con References
Summary:
In a world where people are put on the market as commodities for all sorts of reasons, and SHIELD buys those who might be useful to them, Coulson makes what seems, at the time, to be an ill-advised purchase.
My Notes:
While I do enjoy this story, it’s not one I reread very often because I need to make sure I’m not in a headspace that the subject material of the story is going to make worse. Please mind the tags and the warnings, and keep them in mind when thinking about clicking the link.
That said, it is a really good story if what you’re looking for is a long Coulson/Clint fic with a relative realistic and healthy relationship built over time. And the other pairings aren’t throw aways, though they are more background. (I am particularly fond of the Hill/Natasha pairing, myself. They’re awesome.)
As Is – arsenicarcher (Arsenic) – The Avengers (2012) [Archive of Our Own]
No.
No this is not funny.
Whether or not it is a joke, I’ve gone onto the channel and there are multiple videos similar to this, which makes me think they’re fake.
Doesn’t matter.
These videos enforce the idea to parents that yes, the answer to stop your child becoming obsessed with games is to DESTROY them.
No. This is not funny. It is things like this that cause events such as the father who SHOT his daughter’s laptop to bits to occur. These jokes enforce the attitude that people are ‘wrong’ for loving games.
For wanting to play games.
For some people (including myself), games are a serious escape from horrid realities. The only escape some people can get. The idea that this man (boy?) is wrong for being so upset is disgusting to me?
This is horrific. This is abuse. This is wrong.
This is a sure fire way to get your kids to hate you.
do people not understand how much video games cost?
Video games are a multi-billion dollar business. Some people are good at it. Very good. Do not squander your child’s talents, help them realize them and strengthen them. There are other ways to get your child outside without destroying their games and everything they work for. This won’t solve anything; this will only set them back further.
do this to your childs anything and they will automatically hate you/not trust you
It doesn’t matter what it is
It doesn’t matter if its their video games or if its their smoking pipe
If you just destroy it/throw it away, you are giving no explanation as to why it’s bad/you don’t want them to have it
This can actually psychologically mess a kid up because you teach them that if someone doesn’t like something, they should destroy it
That can lead to some serious problems with socializing with others and other things
dont do that to people
dont
I had a notebook I used to write in all the time. I did that thing that Margo did in Paper Towns where she criss crossed her writing, but I did it so I’d have enough room to write everything. I took it everywhere wtih me and wouldn’t let my parents even start the car unless I had in in my lap. My dad got really annoyed by this and said I needed to throw the notebook away, what was written in it wasn’t important anyway (it was to me, very much so). So one day he took and ran it through the paper shredder.
Ever since I’ve had an intense fear of losing my notebooks and currently have a colletion of 53 blank notebooks and 16 that have been written in because I’ve started hoarding them.
Long story short, don’t fucking do this to your kids. You think it’s harmless and some people even think it’s clever, but you’re really just an asshole and are causing actual psychological problems for your children.I have a plush rabbit that I’ve had since Easter of the year I was born (I was about 2 months old when I got it). It quickly became a comfort thing for me and I used to go everywhere with it as a child. When my mum and dad split up was when I became kind of dependent on having it around.
If ever I did anything wrong mum always threatened to take it away from me, which obviously caused my 6-year-old self to kick and scream and cry because I needed it.
One day I lost it for 6 or 7 months (turns out it was in my room the whole time but shh it was very well hidden & neither myself or my mum know how it got there)
That was the point that my mum realised she couldn’t threaten to take it away because holy shit I changed so much in those months.Seriously, if your child is dependent on something, or takes great comfort in having it around
DO NOT TAKE IT FROM THEM.
It does not matter how old your child is, what their comfort item is, if it’s a video games console – don’t take it from them. If it’s their phone – don’t take it from them. If they’re 18 and still sleep with a teddybear – don’t take it from them.This also goes for if your child is self-harming. If they have a blade in their bedroom and you find it DO NOT THROW IT OUT. Talk to them about it, be as supportive as you can, but do not think “oh well if I get rid of it they’ll be fine”. It can be seriously distressing and also lead to them becoming creative with what they use.
Getting a job and becoming an active member of society is important, but this is not the way to get your kid to do so. As others have previously stated, this is how to get your kid to hate you. Have a problem with your kids? Talk. To. Them.
Don’t make fun of them for the thing they’re dependent on. You cause them to feel shame for having something they like or trust. That’ll screw them up and give them trust issues. You’ll take away their fight and bet them down.
I’m dependent on certain habits and things and my family makes fun of me for it. It leaves me a nervous wreck because those habits aren’t continued out of shame and fear of more judgement and teasing. Encourage your kid to not be dependent on things since things come and go but don’t you dare make fun of them for it or take it away. Got it?he’s a kid. Kids have all the time in the world to enjoy video games, and most slowly grow out of or learn to enjoy them in moderation after high school. I also wonder how many of the parents who support this mindset are fine with the idea of their child smashing their brain-cells to a viscus paste in Junior athletics?
My Dad used to take my Pokemon cards when I was younger and he would rip them one by one, every time he would try to find my rarest most treasured cards and destroy them.
He would Gleefully exclaim “it’s ripping time” every time I crossed him slightly.
I still haven’t forgotten or forgiven, destroying your kids possessions is a sure fire way to make your child resent you and hold a grudge against you.
Mum ripped her copy of Waiting to Exhale in two because she caught me reading it as a kid, shouting “this is not a good book!”
I remember being very confused.
Also, we had Robocop on VHS at the time. Still do.
doubling back on the “if you find a blade” comment:
if you find things that would harm your kid, definitely talk it out, don’t try to just throw it away and hope for the best.
You know what your kid will do? Become better at lying and hiding things from you.
There are a few people commenting or reblogging with “Relax! This was scripted! That makes it okay!” And occasionally: “Besides, I think it’s funny!”
I don’t CARE if it was scripted. This isn’t funny. It wouldn’t be funny if it was a scripted video of a guy beating his girlfriend for messing up dinner, either.
Because abuse isn’t funny.
The punch line here is literally “hahaha, people experience pain when you destroy their things!” That’s a shitty joke.
To add to the various comments on why this isn’t funny – I’m just skimming the gifs to get to the rest of the post or the next one, and I felt like I got punched in the chest because of this shit.
And these aren’t even my things. I don’t know the people in this. I didn’t know it was scripted, and even if I did, I don’t care.
To see that sort of thing, to see someone think that this is okay, even as a fucking joke, hits hard. Right now, I am probably going to go cling to my bear even though it’s going to mean itchy skin, and have a good cry, because crying is safer than raging and screams and self-harm.
And you know what? I’d be surprised if my reaction is unique.
Not only is actually doing this shit not okay, but treating it like a joke is not okay either.
When you say you’re the victim of abuse you are supposed to, by the common understanding, be able to bring up very specific episodes of that abuse in order to “prove its really abuse”.
But a lot of abuse just doesn’t work that way.
Sometimes they just wore you down constantly. Sometimes you couldn’t put your finger on it, but felt all of effects none-the-less. Sometimes its so plain awful that you’ve repressed it. Sometimes it was so damn insidious that you normalized it until one day years later you mention it and someone gives you a look of shock and you realize it wasn’t normal.
All of you. Any of you.
You are all just as valid as someone who wrote a whole damn memoir on the thing.
The stories coming out of this post are absolutely heartbreaking.
thank you for this post
I made a simple chart to illustrate the whole Forgiveness problem that I was having with my therapist.
I can be compassionate and see nuance with almost any other person.
I absolutely CAN NOT do that with these people because the moment I do that I hit the “It was my fault for causing it”, “If I’d only been more understanding”, “If I’d only been stronger” and that HURTS ME.
Fuck that noise.
Anyone who needs the chart is welcome to it of course.
A note on the topic of trauma that I personally found helpful in accepting the idea that I am a trauma victim is that one of the most widely accepted facts in the field of trauma research is that abuse is often not the common factor in whether somebody will develop ptsd.
Many people can go through awful things without developing trauma based disorders as long as they receive compassion and support in processing those events as they happen. The most common factor in developing something like ptsd is emotional neglect. And emotional neglect on it’s own can be enough.
Whatever you went through was enough I promise, you’re not overreacting. Abuse and neglect are traumatic at any level, you don’t need to have gone through the worst possible experience you can think of to develop ptsd. If it hurt you then it hurt you.
…..oh.
And to support that, the number one determining factor on how badly something affects a person is how they’re treated afterward, not how objectively bad the event was. They’re called resiliency factors.
It looks like this:
Horrible brutal traumatic event + Family and community support + legal amelioration + closure and therapy and help
ONE MILLION TIMES MORE LIKELY TO RECOVER THAN
Event that the sufferer may think “seems minor” compared to what others have been through + Family neglect and abuse (you deserved it, name calling, support the abuser) + no legal means + denial and stifling and no therapeutic support
I have been raped, I have been abused by someone who was supposed to be family to me, and I have recovered and gotten my life back together. I have psychiatrists, psychologists, best friends, lovers, and family who support me. I did not get legal justice, but I got the person(s) out of my life.
My friend was repeatedly verbally abused by his step-parent, and when he was abused and hurt by others he was blamed for it by that parent. He had no support and no one to talk to about it for over 10 years.
He still feels guilty for even being affected by it and I’ve had long talks with him about how it isn’t “nothing compared to” what I went through.
You are not wrong to be upset. You are not wrong to feel the effects of trauma. Your hurt cannot be measured against anyone else’s. Your resiliency is your own and your situation is valid to you. Perception is everything. The worst thing that ever happened to you might ostensibly be less bad than the worst thing that ever happened to me – but it still is what happened to YOU.
Trauma is so predictable that we can make tidy little equations out of it. The ones above are good, but the ones I’ve seen are a little simpler. Something like:
Overwhelming Experience + Isolation + Shame = PTSD
Abusive parents who “just did the best” they “could” are still abusive parents.
Same goes for abusive parents who “have” their “child’s best interest at heart” or “are doing it out of love”
Long-term abuse can leave you with a deep-seated need to be hurt.
This isn’t exactly news; basically any expert will tell you the same. But I don’t think a lot of people who haven’t been through it really understand what it’s like. You’re used to being hurt on a regular basis, and any interruption to this pattern? Is dangerous. It’s a sign that things are about to take a turn for the worse – that they’re bottling shit up to explode eventually, or they’re playing some new game you don’t know how to navigate, or they’re withholding the little bit of affection that made the bad times survivable.
So when we finally escape, for a lot of us, there’s this creeping, ever-growing anxiety as we go longer and longer without getting hurt. Eventually, it’s screaming, drowning out any voice in our heads that says “No, this is okay, it’s safe.” A lot of us wind up pulling risky shit, deliberately getting into danger, to find some relief, any relief for that feeling.
But no matter what, it’s not gonna go away easily. Even if we find ourselves with healthy, caring, respectful, sensitive partners, there’s that anxiety-voice in the back of our brains going “If they’re not hurting you now, what are they planning? Do they even love you at all? Are they just using you?”
It needs managed and dealt with somehow.
Long-term abuse can leave you with a deep-seated need for control.
This isn’t exactly news; basically any expert will tell you the same. But I don’t think a lot of people who haven’t been through it really understand what it’s like. You’re used to control being taken away so you can be used and hurt without consequence, so anything that takes control? Is a threat. It’s a sign that pain is coming – maybe the person taking it was just being friendly until you got close enough to stab, or they were really just cozying up because you were useful, or they want an obedient little puppet instead of you.
So when we finally escape, for a lot of us, there’s this screaming terror response to anything that threatens to take control away from us. It can paralyze us, leave us unable to leave the house because this, this is an environment we can control, this is what safety feels like. A lot of us can slip into abusive patterns ourselves, as our overwhelming need for control makes us take it away from others.
But no matter what, it’s not gonna go away easily. Even if we find ourselves with healthy, caring, respectful, sensitive partners, there’s that anxiety-voice in the back of our brains going “They just made a decision involving both of you. This is how it starts. How long until you’re back in the cage?”
It needs managed and dealt with somehow.
Fortunately, there’s a convenient answer a lot of us can turn to – a way we can be hurt when we need to be hurt, have control when we need control, all under conditions we personally negotiated and accepted. The rules and boundaries are clear, and if it ever gets too much, hits too close to home, we can stop it immediately.
Is it really any surprise that kink is fucking full of abuse survivors?
And do you understand now why we’re so fucking pissed when you compare it to abuse?
There's a Mirror on the Wall 