bullying is abuse. full stop. bullying is abuse, bullies are abusers. if you have been bullied, you have been abused.
bullying is not a lesser form of abuse. it is not normal. it is not beneficial. victims do not need to ‘grow up’ or ‘get over it’. you are not childish or immature for being hurt by it.
bullying can cause mental health problems. bullying can cause trauma. mental health problems and trauma caused by abuse are completely valid. bullying is not a lesser form of abuse and the effects of bullying are not lesser forms of pain.
bullying comes in a lot of different forms. essentially, if you were excluded or humiliated or mocked or physically abused or in any other way treated as inferior by your peers, you were bullied.
bullying is never the victim’s fault. never. the abusers will always find an excuse to hurt you but they don’t need an actual reason.
the effects of bullying can last a lifetime. all this is true if you’re being bullied right now, and all this is true if it’s been a year. five years. fifteen years. abuse can have long-term effects and healing is not a question of maturity.
bullying isn’t discussed nearly enough but seriously, it can be hellish and if you’re going through it or you’ve been through it, i’m with you. keep going.
Abusers are really good at is making you feel like your anger is worse than their abuse.
This is so important. Many survivors have spent months or years not being allowed to express anger or being made to feel ashamed for experiencing anger.
So if you know a survivor, and you tell them that they “can’t” or “shouldn’t” be angry, that will almost certainly be triggering, and it’s really cruel.
Telling survivors that they need to “get past” their anger or to “be the bigger person” or “holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal” or “anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die” or that “healing is only possible with forgiveness” or that “forgiveness will set you free,” or that “being angry means the abuser still has control,” or that experiencing anger makes the survivor as bad as the abuser, or whatever else– that’s culturally imposed abuse apologism and if you want to be an ally, you need to unlearn resorting to those platitudes when trying to comfort survivors.
It’s okay to experience anger. It’s literally the natural reaction to boundary violation, and when someone’s boundaries have been repeatedly violated and broken down for years, it’s important for a person’s health to be able to experience and express that anger. It honestly really is.
The episodes where we learn more about garak, bashir and odo’s relationships with their mentors are great and all, but I hate how the writers made them forgive,or make up with their abusers.
Garak and Tain made up. He should have left Tain in mental agony on his death bed. Told him what a failure he and the Obsidian Order were, but told Tain about how he himself found friends and a new family.
Bashir should’ve been “see ya later” to his abelist father as he was sentenced to jail. What Mr. Bashir did was not Julian’s fault and to make him feel guilty that he could a.) get his parents arrested and b.)that he did “get” his father arrested is shitty. He should have cut him off. (same with his mom?? like his mom sat there and let that happen!!)
And Odo…Odo making up with Dr. Mora, a man who abused him until he had no choice to turn is just??
If the narrative isn’t gonna make Kira forgive Dukat (which I’m glad she didnt forgive him, i’m not complaining bcs if she did forgive/befriend dukat i would’ve had a lot more to rant about) , then why make these three forgive people who were directly responsible for their lives. Or if not forgive, make up?
Like, Garak is freaking middle aged and still lived half his life in guilt wanting to please a man who abused him?? At least Odo and Bashir outwardly hated their folks, Garak was the worst still stuck on a man who wanted to kill him since he was a baby–and the narrative made them make up to some extent.
I really don’t like the whole “be the better person” or “learn to forgive. it makes you feel better” trope when it comes to abuse and like, all three of these men were abused in some way and still got off on some good footing with their abusers….
Sometimes abuse survivors come out as teeth and claws and anger in the name of vengeance and defense and protection.
Sometimes survivors come out soft and warm and gentle in the name of never making anyone feel the way they were made to feel.
Sometimes you want to avoid us because of our newfound venom or be by us for we will protect you, with violence if need be.
Sometimes you want to avoid us because we are soft and you risk harming us or be by us for we will be kind and welcoming and assuring.
But here’s the thing. We are almost always found together. We work well. Venomous ones protect soft ones, and soft one remind the venomous ones to unclench jaws and take time to be gentle. There is value in both. There is validity in both.
Me? I am fire and ice and venom. Fangs glistening and clawed beared. Hurt the ones I care for beyond their own lashing out? I am a viceral nightmare. My sister is better at holding back. She thinks, I don’t. I react. But don’t think for a second she won’t destroy you.
And somehow I came out as both.
Part of me came out of my abuse soft and scared and kind.
And part of me came out with teeth and claws and anger and rage.
And now I’m left trying to balance the two sides so I don’t fall apart.
and now i’m left trying to balance the two sides so i don’t fall apart
^Haiku^bot^8. I detect haikus with 5-7-5 format. Sometimes I make mistakes.
tbh people mock harry for going back to rescue fleurs sister in the second triwizard task but harry knows dumbledore better than anyone else. he probably looked at the situation and thought “would dumbledore let an eight year old drown just because fleur couldnt do this bit? yes. yes he would.”
it’s also possible he was acting off of the lessons he learned in the abusive dursley household. that’s why he does a lot of his so-called “hero complex” shit. he takes a lot of personal responsibility for other people bc he learned growing up that “no one’s here for you, no one will help you, you will not catch any breaks”. he helps bc if he didn’t, who would? certainly not the dursleys, and that’s what he grew up with.
he does things by himself and the two people he actually trusts, bc he’s learned that authority figures are no help and will only make things worse. he takes situations at face value bc he’s never seen other options in his life, he’s never HAD other options in his life. speaking very personally, that was a serious marker of abuse that i saw in myself – i never thought abt escape, or what i could do to improve my situation, bc i didn’t even see that as an option. the options were survive or don’t, deal w it or don’t, acclimate or implode.
maybe he wasn’t thinking abt what DUMBLEDORE would do, what anyone at hogwarts would do. maybe he was acting off what he knew the dursleys (his main authority figures) would do. the dursleys would let the girl drown. and harry was there, and harry could do something, and so harry did. he took personal responsibility for fleur’s sister’s safety bc all his life he’s learned that authority figures cannot be trusted to do so.
people characterize these aspects of harry as a “hero complex” or a “stupid nobility” or a “lack of common sense”, but i don’t agree with that. i can’t put my finger on exactly what it is. it’s not completely unhealthy; it’s even very useful and responsible on occasion.
it’s called “complex ptsd” and if you get out of the abusive situation before you’re old enough to understand how fucked up it was, like Harry did, you don’t end up with the classic flashbacks so much, just atypical behavior patterns and a high risk of other shit. That’s why Harry is so fucked up by everything that Umbridge does, it’s because he’s being retraumatized in his safe space.
Seriously, the Dursleys would have not only let her drown, they would have let her drown so they could blame Harry for it afterwards. (Although the loudest “Potter, too busy winning to care about anyone else” voice in his head would probably be Snape’s.)
Incidentally this is even more clear in the first and second books, to me. Because Harry DID go to adults and say someone’s trying to steal the stone, and what did the adults do? Did they say, yes, we know, we’re taking precautions, real, good protective measures? Noooo. Did they say, thank you, we’ll look into it, even? Noooo. They said, don’t be silly, it’s not your concern, nothing to see here, little boy, run along and do your schoolwork.
And they said this to a boy whose entire life experience has never involved an adult that can be depended on. And they lied, lied about their own knowledge, said “that’s silly” when they know “that’s true.” And they were too convincing: since he as well knew the truth, what they ended up convincing him was that they didn’t know. And it fit right in with his expectations. Adults, whether actively malicious (the Dursleys, Snape) or well-meaning but oblivious (Mrs. Figg, Harry’s primary-school teachers, the other Hogwarts teachers), can’t be depended on. If anything’s got to be done, Harry and his friends have got to do it himself.
Second book, same thing—they’re headed for the teacher’s lounge to tell the teachers it’s a basilisk, and overhear the teachers saying that Ginny Weasley’s been taken by the monster, and they need to close Hogwarts, and their only plan to rescue Ginny is to send Gilderoy Lockhart—knowing full well he’s a fraud, a coward, and no match for a Cornish pixie, let alone a basilisk. Once again, the adults are flat-out useless and if anyone is going to save Ginny, it’s gotta be Harry and Ron.
Notably, this is after another ball-drop on the part of the adults: when Harry’s been framed for underage magic and locked up in his room and starved by people who have every intention of keeping him out of Hogwarts forever, it’s other kids, Ron, Fred, and George, who go rescue him, and when the adults find out, one of them punishes and scolds and the other is only interested in how his car worked.
In book three, we meet a couple of adults that are competent, helpful, and willing to listen—Sirius and Remus—and the other adults come in and the end result is, one’s fired and the other has to go on the run lest he have his soul sucked out by dementors. Dumbledore does listen and give them the necessary hints, but it’s Harry, and Hermione this time, who have to do the work.
And then in Order of the Phoenix, in comes the smothering bullshit about how he’s too young to be in the Order and needs to leave everything to the grownups, after the grownups have dropped the ball four years running and are batting zero on the trust-and-listening factor—no wonder he threw a tantrum, I would’ve thrown a tantrum, he was fucking entitled to one.
“Well, that was a bit stupid of you,” said Ginny angrily, “seeing as you don’t know anyone but me who’s been possessed by You-Know-Who, and I can tell you how it feels.” Harry remained quite still as the impact of these words hit him. Then he turned on the spot to face her. “I forgot,” he said.
– OotP
“he does things by himself and the two people he actually trusts… it’s not completely unhealthy; it’s even very useful and responsible on occasion.” – @gaelissfelin
…this. Harry sees people as: a. him and people he trusts, b. people to be evaded, and c. people in need of help. When he gets backed into a corner (Voldemort inside his head, heading down the trapdoor alone, off to the DoM alone, into the Forest alone), the circle of people he trusts shrinks down from the DA/OotP, to the Trio, to just himself. Harry never wants to be a hero or gets off on it, he’s just a person who’s suffered from the bystander effect and doesn’t want to be a bystander himself.
…that’s what it is, why it’s useful, I think. It’s not a hero complex, it’s an anti-bystander complex. Sometimes it only takes one person standing up.
When I was younger I never understood why people thought Harry wasn’t thinking things through. But now that I am older and have my diagnosis of PTSD I realize that I was just one abused child identifying with another. It was logical to me that Harry not trust the adults in his life because I couldn’t trust any in mine. No one ever believed me when I told them I was being bullied, my parents were too wrapped up in screaming at each other to give a fuck about me. You go that long feeling like a shadow without a voice and you just start doing things on your own because who the fuck cares about you. You wind up with a protective streak a mile wide because in the back of your mind you know that things can’t change for you but maybe you can change them for someone else even if it means taking their pain as your own. No wonder Harry winds up an Auror, he’s been saving people and getting himself hurt since birth, he needs a psychiatrist to help him but he doesn’t trust anyone so he just throws himself into the only thing he knows how to do rather than healing. It’s by sheer force of will that he’s not catatonic or having PTSD flashbacks every time he goes to work.
I mean, technically he COULD be having PTSD flashbacks every time he goes to work.
Complex PTSD is a lot more likely to cause EMOTIONAL flashbacks, which are a lot harder to identify. (And a huge pain in the ass.)
And Harry, like many children raised in abusive households, was trained to believe that if he was suffering or in pain, it wasn’t something other people could be trusted with, would do anything about, or Was Not That Big of A Deal.
You go that long feeling like a shadow without a voice and you just start doing things on your own because who the fuck cares about you. You wind up with a protective streak a mile wide because in the back of your mind you know that things can’t change for you but maybe you can change them for someone else even if it means taking their pain as your own.
I frequently find myself at a loss when I discover the mindset that the Jedi Council, the Jedi Order, and even Obi-Wan provided a particularly good environment for Anakin to learn/grow up in. By comparing Anakin in TPM to AoTC, I believe it will become quite clear by the change in Anakin that the Temple provided an inadequate place for him to grow.
In TPM Anakin is a very self-confident boy. He is aware of his capabilities and limitations, expresses his opinion firmly, and, as a rule, doesn’t allow his detractors to get him down, or put him down. To list some examples:
He has the courage to initiate a conversation with Padme
In the novelisation, he even says that he’s going to marry her.
He stands up to Sebulba and confidently imitates a conversation with Qui-Gon
He invites perfect strangers to his home.
He calls Qui-Gon out on being a Jedi
He calls Qui-Gon out on slavery
He insists that he can win a podrace, and defends himself when his abilities are questioned
He ignores the ridicule of the children in his community
He talks back to the Council, not rudely, but forcefully.
He asks Ric Olie about piloting and is told he “catches on quick.”
He says he’s going to “see them all,” when he asks about star systems
He refuses to let people destroy his dreams-hard to do when you’re a slave.
He even talks back to and defends himself to Watto-his owner.
Clearly, Anakin is a very confident, and self-possessed individual. He states his opinions firmly, and defends them with conviction. Let’s compare that to AoTC Anakin:
Is far more nervous around Padme (which can admittedly be chalked up to hormones.)
Is shot down hard by Obi-Wan when he expresses his opinions-He does not ever really try and defend himself
Obi-Wan actually seems surprised he stands up as much as he does-clearly it is a rare occurrence that Anakin states his mind like that.
Anakin looks scared of what he’s done when he backs down
He looks timid in front of the Council-Far more so than in TPM
He is told “don’t do anything without first discussing it with either” Obi-Wan or the Council.
He just accepts Padme’s harsh criticism when he points out that she should discuss security concerns with him: Despite the fact that she is in the wrong, he does nothing to defend himself.
He expresses the opinions of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and mace, far more than he does his own. He actually seems afraid to give his opinions, as a rule.
There is a vast difference then between TPM!Anakin and AoTC!Anakin. The former defended his beliefs vehemently. The latter is afraid to even express them. Anakin only rants about Obi-Wan when Padme gives a hint of listening; it’s clear this has been pent-up in him for ages, but he hasn’t been able to let it out. Clearly, no one cares what he thinks or feels. When Padme shoots him down over security, he takes it meekly, but when she expressed doubt with him in TPM over his ability to win the Boonta, he just brushed it off, and told her “he’d win this time.” Before, in TPM, he said what he thought, now he just says “Master so-and-so thinks…” He feels uncomfortable saying what he really thinks. He honestly was more comfortable speaking up as a slave, than as a Jedi. Even just the body language difference can tell you that he’s gone from sure of himself to intensely insecure.
This is Anakin in TPM sticking up to his owner:
This is Anakin in AoTC, free, ostensibly, with his teacher:
It’s like chalk and cheese. One boy is sure of himself, the other looks brow-beaten. What could have caused such a massive shift in self-esteem? Well, a classic cause would be bullying. A child who is different, for whatever reason, gets humiliated, ostracized, beat-up, talked down to, and loses their self-confidence. I don’t doubt the same thing happened to Anakin. He was from the Outer Rim. He began his training late. He was different, unnaturally gifted. I’ve no doubt that was rough, and clearly he wasn’t given any kind of support to help with that, rather he was given the opposite. Hence, he is insecure.
This is in no way his fault. He’s barely an adult by AoTC, and it is up to the adults responsible for him during his childhood to provide a safe environment, if not a safe haven, for him to grow up in. Clearly, the Jedi have failed to do this. Indeed, as shown when Obi-Wan says “don’t do anything without consulting either myself or the Council,” they clearly had no faith in him whatsoever, (after ten years), so why should he believe in himself? In RoTS, Windu actually says when Anakin tells him about Palpatine, “If what you say is true, you will have earned my trust.” In thirteen years, Anakin who has worked diligently, and loyally as a Jedi, and he’s never earned Windu’s trust or respect! That is cold. What was Anakin suppose to do anyway as a boy? Go back to Tatooine? Anakin really didn’t have much choice but to stay. At least, with the Jedi he would get a good education, and would learn how to use the Force. There was nothing for him on Tatooine. What good would he do? By staying with the Jedi, at least until he was knighted, he might be able to help when he finally goes back to Tatooine. He’ll have the Force, and an education that would serve him well. (Then, of course, the war started so that went out the air-lock…) No, the fault for Anakin’s low self-esteem lies entirely with the Jedi Order, Obi-Wan, and the Jedi Council. You cannot blame Anakin, especially since he was a child at the time. Frankly, the Council should be ashamed of themselves. If you adopt a child, and he wilts that much under your care, you need to take a good hard look at yourselves.
I would have thought that it was bad writing too. However, the theme of the apathetic inadequacy of the Jedi is carried from TPM through to RoTS. In TPM, Mace Windu tests Anakin only as a formality, because “he’s too old.” When Qui-Gon insists that Anakin be tested, Windu just waves a hand and says “bring him before us then.” He’s pretty much done with it all. Unsurprisingly, the Council then rejects Anakin, (while talking about Anakin as if he wasn’t even there.) That’s not really the worst bit though, when Qui-Gon points out that Anakin has nowhere to go, they don’t express any concern for his well-being, his education, his future, even though he’s a freed slave with few options, and no money: He’s a child at their mercy. Even when this fact is pointed out to them they just say he’s Qui-Gon’s “ward” now to do with as he pleases, just don’t train him. How callous! I mean, would you do that to a poor boy with no prospects who needed your help desperately?
By the time TPM ends, Anakin’s behaviour is already beginning to foreshadow what happens in AoTC. He’s picked up on all this and this is how he looks when he finds out Obi-Wan is going to be the one to train him:
This isn’t just grief from Qui-Gon’s death; Anakin’s expression, the above expression, comes as a direct result of Obi-Wan’s promise. Anakin’s grief is enhanced by his insecurity over his future. As I pointed out in my post The Team: Built on Weak Foundations, Anakin knew that Obi-Wan initially didn’t believe he should be trained, and was even jealous of him due to Qui-Gon’s actions in the Council room. Anakin had every reason to be afraid that things weren’t going to go well, and they didn’t. Yes, he and Obi-Wan became friends, which was nice, but he was never allowed to feel safe in his environment at the Temple, because of the Council’s apathy, even antipathy toward him which most of the other Jedi would have picked up on and followed like Lemmings. After all, why wouldn’t they do what the wise and noble Council does? Hence, we get Anakin’s low self-esteem in AoTC.
By the time RoTS comes around, Anakin is doing a bit better. He has command of his own men. He’s no longer an apprentice. He’s gained confidence now that he’s needed as a General in the GAR, and he’s been acknowledged to be a really good one which also helps: He’s the Hero With no Fear. As a result, he pushes back a bit more, but the underlying timidity he has with the Council doesn’t quite go away:
While, Anakin starts to really express a lot of his deeply rooted anger that stems from way back in his childhood, both with the Jedi and from slaver, in RoTS, and the Council takes a lot of it, (ignoring Operation Knighthood), he still doesn’t get one of the things he desperately needs, and craves: Validation and respect. Anakin honestly just needs them to tell him he did a good job, and that they’re proud of him, but the Council can’t quite seem to manage it. He might get “arrogant.” (Oh, please. He wouldn’t be so keen to prove what he can do, if you’d just say “you did well, kid!) By the time RoTS comes around, Obi-Wan is the only one who ever really tells him he’s doing a good job, and therefore he is placed in the position of fielding between Anakin and the Council, as the relationship continues to break down.
Nevertheless, despite his slowly regaining confidence, and the increasingly tense dynamic between Anakin and the Council, Anakin still doesn’t feel secure enough to just stand his ground, or even leave. This is a result of years of emotional abuse. Anakin was physically and emotionally abused as a child on Tatooine, and emotionally, and arguably, spiritually abused as a an apprentice to the Jedi. To be honest, I think this behaviour was mostly reserved for Anakin. The Jedi may not have been stellar in raising other members of their Order; they lost sight of what their Code really meant some time prior to the PT. However, they came down cruelly on Anakin, because he was different, and they were scared of what that meant. (Fear leads to the Dark Side, oh yes, but you helped him on his journey through your own fear.)
to make that funeral scene even worse: Anakin has to ASK what’s going to happen to him.
I mean, think about it. The kid is all alone on a strange planet, surrounded by people he hardly knows, and the ONE GUY who appeared to be in his corner is dead, and no one will tell him what’s going on, or what will happen to him. it’s been at LEAST two weeks – to allow for Padme to consolidate her hold on the planet well enough for the Supreme Chancellor to visit, him to be ELECTED, and to hold talks with the Gungans as to how to include their voice in Naboo’s government from now on. Likely it’s longer. And in all that time, ALL that TIME, no one says ONE single WORD about what’s going to happen to Anakin going forward.
He can’t go back to Tattooine. Padme isn’t offering him a place on Naboo, she likely thinks that he’s already part of the Jedi and wouldn’t be receptive to her offer even if she did consider it.
Obi-wan has his head up his own ass and can’t be bothered to consider any feelings other than his own. He doesn’t get that with his new teaching gig, come responsibilities toward the well being (including emotional well being) of his charge. So he’s off in his own head during the funeral, and Anakin is forced to speak up.
and Jake Loyd is perfect here. Anakin’s voice is *resigned* as he askes the question. you can tell that the anxieties have already burned themselves out, and there’s nothing left but resigned acceptance. there’s no use fighting what comes next, because there’s nothing left to fight.
It’s only THEN that Obi-wan turns. Turns and tells Anakin that he has permission to train Anakin as a Jedi. Then he promises Anakin that he WILL be a Jedi, as if that makes it all alright.
It doesn’t.
Okay, so, just up my dash I saw a post by @furiousgoldfish listing signs that your family is abusive and I was just blown away by the sheer number of indicators seen in Anakin’s relationship with Obi-Wan and the Jedi. I’ve highlighted examples from the films and TCW.
signs that your family is abusive:
you feel the urge to hide from them whenever you’re vulnerable
you cannot bear the idea of them seeing you cry
when you’re hurt or in pain, you don’t go to them because you feel
they’ll tell you that you deserved it or that it was your fault
After Obi-Wan’s terrible advice about his prophetic dreams in AotC, Anakin doesn’t got to him about them in RotS. The ‘advice’ he receives from Yoda is basically to suck it up because grief and fear are wrong.
you don’t feel like you can confide in them, either because they don’t
seem to care, or try to control how you act, or yell at you and punish you, or
use the information against you
After Obi-Wan dismisses Anakin’s concerns about his mother, allying with the Hutts, the Jedi’s role in the war, the Jedi’s behavior regarding the Chancellor, etc., Anakin stops coming to him with his problems. He also keeps his marriage a secret out of fear of Obi-Wan and the Jedi’s reaction.
you feel very self-conscious around them and keep expecting criticism
and insults
Look at the way he sits in AotC and that tiny flinch when Obi-Wan tears into him.
you can’t tell them about your struggles because you already know
they’ll side against you
See my previous comments about Anakin keeping secrets from Obi-Wan.
you keep things in your life secret from them because you have a feeling
they would ridicule, humiliate, and judge you if they knew, or take everything
away from you
Same as above
you feel scared of letting them know when they hurt you
After Obi-Wan fakes his death in the Deception Arc of TCW, Anakin is told by both Yoda and Obi-Wan that the pain he feels is his own fault.
you feel scared and guilty when you so much as think about them in a bad
way
Anakin rants against Obi-Wan repeatedly in AotC, often times while crying and immediately denying that he feels what he just said.
you feel the urge to remind yourself of all the things they did for you,
whenever something bad comes up, to be sure that you’re seeing them the way
they want to be seen by you
See previous comment.
you’re scared of being accused of being a burden to them
Obi-Wan and the Council make it clear in TPM that they don’t actually want Anakin and that his presence is a severe inconvenience to them. When Obi-Wan complains in AotC that Anakin will be the death of him, Anakin is clearly hurt.
you’re scared to hold them responsible for things they did to you,
because you know they would argue otherwise, and insist they had full right to
do what they did, or that you made it up
See previous statement
you have the inner sense of dread that nothing you ever do or say will
be taken seriously by them, and your life will always look like a joke to them
you dream of living far away from them and feel guilty for wanting to
cut them from your life
Anakin wants to leave the Jedi, he says as much to Ahsoka, but clearly feels to afraid to actually do it.
you don’t feel like you’re really important in comparison to them, it
feels like it’s better to just step aside and let them be important, your life
doesn’t matter as much anyway
In RotS, Anakin says that he wants more, but is aware that he shouldn’t. He knows his needs are wrong and selfish and he should feel ashamed.
you’re worried about how your every action might affect their life,
their reputation and social standing
you feel that they’re ashamed of you and you’re trying your best not to
bring further shame on the family
Anakin apologizes constantly in AotC.
you feel like you’ll owe them for the rest of your life and nothing you
ever do will be enough to erase the debt, and this fills you with dread and
feeling of being trapped
The Jedi freed Anakin from slavery. The Jedi took him on even when they clearly didn’t want to. Obi-Wan potentially put his career on the line to train Anakin even though he obviously didn’t like him. Anakin can never repay that debt and they make sure he knows it.
you don’t count on their help when you’re in trouble, you’re scared of them
finding out and punishing you for being in trouble in the first place
Anakin doesn’t tell Obi-Wan about what happened on Tatooine. He doesn’t tell him about Padme. He deliberately with holds information about his relationship troubles, even when asked about them.
you don’t count on them sharing their resources with you, you know you
have to be grateful for how much they’ve given you already and feel like you
have no right to ask for anything more, even if you need it
you can’t feel warmth or safety when surrounded by family, instead you
wish you didn’t have to be there, and seek a place to hide and protect yourself
holidays spent with family are just painful and something you try to
endure instead of enjoy
you can’t imagine a world where you’re free and not defined by these
people
Anakin has a wife he could easily choose to be with, but he stays because he can’t imagine not being a Jedi.
Now, I’m not saying that Obi-Wan and the Jedi set out to be abusive, but that was clearly the end result. What they set out to be was in control. Anakin was too old. He was too powerful. He was too dangerous. He needed to be contained. Obi-Wan says as much to Yoda and Mace in AotC. Yoda says as much to Anakin in TCW Deception Arc.
So what did they do? They isolated him from his family and friends. They criticized him constantly. They reminded him how unruly and disobedient and wrong he was. They taught him that he was wrong to ever want anything more. The end result is that they took a confident, happy boy and turned him into an uncertain and unstable mess. I guess that made him easier to control. Palpatine certainly thought so.
It was confirmed in Obi-Wan and Anakin that he was bullied at the temple for being different and that not only did they ignore this but they made him apologize to his bullies whenever he retaliated. As someone who had this happen to them, I can tell you it absolutely torpedos any chance you have of standing up for yourself if you need to.
Like the Jedi Council had no idea how to deal with the trauma of being a former slave. It was Anakin’s choice to turn, it always was, but they infinitely worsened the process due to their clumsiness and prioritizing Anakin the weapon over Anakin the person.
No one says it, but Beru effectively saved the galaxy when she raised Luke as Luke before the chosen one or Anakin’s son or anything else. Anakin didn’t have someone like Beru to do that for him. Obi-Wan tried, but in the end he wasn’t good enough.
This. This this this. The Jedi fucked Anakin up. They didn’t set out to do it, but they did, and they did it thoroughly.
so hey who else was taught as a kid that “”””wanting attention”””” in any way was wrong and shameful and has grown up unable ask for help or support even in great distress/suffering
Parent: why do you never come to me for help
(two days later)
Me: I need help with something
Parent: CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY WHY CAN’T YOU DO ANYTHING BY YOURSELF GOD YOU’RE SO-
Me: never mind
And don’t forget the You Can Tell Me Anything (Except Things I Don’t Want to Hear)™.
Bonus round of You Can Tell Me Anything (But If I Don’t Like It You’re In Big Trouble Even If You’re Asking For Help)
I’m finally addressing what needs to be said given the behavior of fandom over the last few weeks. It took me a while because I wasn’t entirely sure what to say that didn’t have me go off on a tangent with my point hiding like a needle in a haystack.
I’ve been seeing a lot of horrific actions from fandom lately, but what’s even worse is that a lot more well-meaning fans are getting sucked into anti rhetoric because they are terrified of being wrong and becoming a potential target. That’s insidious.
Accusing people of something as strong as pedophilia because their ship has an age gap is not social justice. Sending people disgusting images of gore and child pornography because you deem their ship immoral is not social justice. Creating block lists of “problematic” blogs because you don’t agree with their content is not social justice
AND ALL THESE ACTIONS DO IS TURN PEOPLE INTO TARGETS AND CREATE MORE VICTIMS VIA MOB RULE.
It’s disgusting and such actions aren’t fooling anyone. Because this isn’t about protecting fandom and survivors, this is about dictating fandom behavior to feed their own inflated sense of self-righteousness. This is the reason we call these people “antis”. Their motivation lies entirely with disliking a certain ship or content creator, and using social justice buzzwords that Tumblr thrives on in order to spread fear and discourse.
Trust me, I’ve been in fandom longer than a fraction of you have even been alive. Morally policing fandom has NEVER ended well. NEVER. All it does is just create victims, and once one innocent person is driven away, the mob then turns its teeth on another, and the vicious cycle continues until the entire fandom just falls apart. It probably stems from a form of jealousy, a narcissistic need to have fandom enjoy things the way they do, and if they can’t have their fun then no one can. Then again, I’m not really here to rationalize such irrational actions.
So for those who find themselves caught in the middle and unsure what to do, I’m going to ask that if you see this kind of “anti” behavior to please recognize it for what it is: just someone who is using buzzwords to wave around their superior sense of morality and nothing more. Like, seriously, what kind of person sees an event that specifically talks about dedicating a week filled with nothing but positivity for fandom and they immediately start tearing it down? What kind of person makes callout posts and block lists that call for fandom to rally against a single individual just because they don’t agree with said individual’s content? What kind of person thinks it’s okay to slander and accuse others of heavy crimes like pedophilia just because a certain ship is in competition with their own?
Such sanctimonious behavior isn’t unique to fandom, either. As a parent, I see this shit all the time in the, erm, “mom fandom” I guess we can call it. I’ve seen people accused of child abuse for using formula instead of breastfeeding. For letting their kids watch more than an hour of TV per day. For not feeding their kids organic food straight out of the dirt. Ridiculous? Yes, and this whole “anti” behavior is ranked right up there on that ridiculous level. And both these groups of people are coming from the same exact sanctimonious place. So you’re damn right I don’t buy into anti rhetoric about how they are just “looking out for fandom”. Bullshit. And that bullshit is the same everywhere.
Nobody here is saying you can’t be uncomfortable with things, of course not. But there are a lot of things in this world that you are going to be exposed to that you don’t like, that make you uncomfortable, that will trigger you. There are only two healthy ways of dealing with this:
One, you can engage that person in a conversation, explain your stance, and then listen to their response. No, this isn’t tone-policing. You don’t know anyone’s story or their motivations. Nothing in this world gives you the right to be abusive to another human being that sits behind your screen.
Two, simply don’t give that person your support anymore. Unfollow, block, and move on with your life. Don’t turn someone into a target of abuse. Don’t create a victim.
There's a Mirror on the Wall 