exiled-one:

libations-of-honey-and-milk:

quasi-normalcy:

space-australians:

scribbleboxfox:

persverso:

For visitors and writers alike.

1. You were never meant to be here. Never forget this. You are an ape of the equator, built to run the savannah and swim in tropical waters. Whatever terms and conditions your body has, they are void here. Mother nature never certified to function in a Death World.
2. Enduring the cold is never a matter of “how much” as much at it is “how long”. Think of it as the water levels of the vieogames you have played. No matter what equipment enables you to remain longer, you can’t stay there indefinitely. The coat that keeps you warm and toasty for three hours in -15 is enough to keep you functional for an hour of -40.
3. Whatever the locals say, listen to them. Err to the side of caution if you must. You may not endure what they can endure, but you SURE AS FUCKING NOT cannot survive what they say cannot be endured.
4. That being said, alcohol is a filthy fucking liar and so is anyone who offers it to you. The warmth it gives is an illusion, and a sign of damage. You are worse off feeling comfortable with a mouthful of whiskey as you are freezing your gonads off stone cold sober.
5. Winter tires. Studded winter tiers are a MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH when you drive on a frozen road. That being said, whatever the locals tell you that your car will need to run as theirs do, take it. Taking the risk of being pranked is worth survival, and you can always stab their tires in the spring if they were shitting you.
6. Eat. For the love of god, make sure that you eat. Heavier meals might be unpalatable at first for someone used to lighter nutrition, but maintaining bodily warmth in a cold climate takes up a lot of energy, and you will feel tired and drowsy for a long while shile your metabolism adjusts to producing more heat than Mother Nature ever intended. The skinny people in your party are especially vulnerable, ensure their well-being on a regular basis.
7. If you have a smartphone/other essential technology on your body, keep them close to your body to keep them warm. They were not designed to be frozen any more than you were.
8. Sleep is death. SLEEP IS DEATH. Never, ever stop to rest in the cold, if you do not have the means to make a fire/otherwise produce heat. The cold tires you out because keeping warm takes energy, but taking a rest will not return your energy. If you feel the need to sit down and rest because you are tired because of the cold, call for help. This is not a hyperbole, if you feel like you are too tired to go on in a cold climate, CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE. If you fall asleep in the snow, you will not wake up. Hypothermia can and will literally kill you.
9. Avoid skin-to-snow-contact if you can. It hurts because you were not supposed to do it. Consider ice to be like acid. Touching is bad for you.

Feel free to add to the list if you feel like I missed something.

Some things to add from a native northerner moved south who’s surrounded by people who know fuck-all about harsh winter weather:

1. If you are expecting severe weather that might take out your electricity, and you can afford a generator, GET ONE. They aren’t terribly cheap but you can find one in the $400-500 range at Home Depot or any other store like it really.
2. Gas up your car. Seriously. If your power goes out and you need to move because your current residence is in the sub-fucking-zeros you need to have fuel to get where your going. Not only that but even IF you don’t have anywhere to go, sitting in a car with the heat running is much better than freezing your ass to death in your house. 
3. Stock up on water bottles and canned goods. You will need both if you get snowed in. Eating is absolutely essential to staying alive, because as OP stated, keeping warm burns a LOT of calories.
4. If you have time before the storm hits, buy some good, thick blankets. Wool or fleece are your two best bets. Hell, if you can’t find a good place to get blankets, go to Walmart and buy straight up fabric. The more, the better. 
5. If you have a pet reptile, and the power goes out and the temperature inside your house is very cold, don’t feed them, and don’t leave them in their tank. Take them out, put them on your chest, and wrap yourself in a blanket with them. The best way at this point to keep them alive will be to share the body heat you have. 
6. Bring your pets inside. Yes, I’m looking at you, Nancy with the “outdoor cat”. Their cute little toe beans will freeze the fuck off and they’ll die of hypothermia. I don’t care if your 300 pound Tibetan Mastiff isn’t housebroken, unless you wanna explain to your 2-year old why Captain Fluffball is frozen to your front porch, bring him in.
7. If you have a fireplace, utilize it, but don’t set a fire inside your house that you can’t control. And don’t use fucking gasoline. That’s how you blow shit up. 
8. If you’re stuck out in the cold and you start to feel tired and strangely warm, you have hypothermia. Get the fuck to a place with actual warmth. Leave your clothes on. The cold is lying to you. You’re not hot, you’re slowly freezing to death. If you can, call a fucking ambulance. 
9. Remember that extremities freeze first. That means your toes, your nose, and your fingers. Layer the fuck UP. If I have to go out in the snow, I usually wear a pair of knit/fleece gloves under a pair of snow gloves. And then I duct-tape that shit to the sleeves of my coat. It looks silly but it keeps moisture from getting stuck in there and freezing my hands off. For shoes, wear boots and like, 3 pairs of socks. The warmer and fuzzier, the better. Your feet will thank you. If you have a ski mask, use it. If not, wear a scarf and wrap that shit as tight around your face as you can.
10. On the topic of moisture, if any part of you gets wet while you’re outside, locate the nearest warm place you can go to and take the wet garment off and dry that shit. I don’t care if it’s your socks, your shirt, or your undies. Get em off and get em dry. Wet clothes are a fast way to get yourself frozen to death.
11. If you absolutely need to do shit outside, velcro or duct tape your gloves and boots to your sleeves and pants. I know it will limit your movements a bit. I know that it will look stupid. I know it will be hard to get off. But duct tape doesn’t let SHIT through it. And as I’ve mentioned before, you don’t want ANYTHING you’re wearing to get wet. 
12. If you do have a portable heater or fire or heat in your home or whatever, have a fan blowing too. It will spread the warm air around faster. It might not feel warm at first, but it’s circulating the air. It will heat up eventually.
13. If you’re with other people, huddle up with them. Share your body warmth. Have a nice cuddle session with your friends/family/neighbors. It might just save you.
14. IF A CHILD IS IN THE SNOW, THEY WILL FREEZE A WHOLE FUCKIN LOT FASTER THAN YOU WILL. This doesn’t mean be chivalrous and give them your coat. It means you pick their tiny ass up and shove them IN your coat or hold them as close as you can while you try to get to a warmer area. The smaller they are, the faster they freeze. Time is absolutely critical. And if your kid is out in the snow, you need to be out there with them and keep your eyes on them at all times. 
15. Finally, invest in a blow dryer. If your hair gets wet and you gotta go back out in the cold, you’re going to be miserable as fuck. Blow dry your hair so it can be nice, warm, and voluminous when you go back out to punch Jack Frost in the face.

(I’ve been reading so many posts about earth being Space Australia the Death World that I didn’t even notice there weren’t aliens in this one until my third read-through, so I’m counting it for the blog theme.)

A few further points from me, having grown up in Canada’s coldest major city: 

1. The wind can be even more dangerous than the cold, and if your skin is exposed to it, it can freeze and even necrotise. Frostbite is a serious medical problem. So bundle up; wear a touque, wear your hood up, wear a balaclava or hike your scarf up over your nose because you could lose it otherwise. If the wind gets in your face, walk backwards. That’s not a prank; walk backwards. 
2. If it’s really cold, your gloves aren’t going to do shit; you’ll want mittens and handwarmers. It’s not convenient but at least you won’t be dropping fingercicles on the frozen pavement.
3. There is no such thing as winter chic. Not in a place with a real winter. You’re going to look like a bundle of cloth if you dress properly anyways, so there’s no sense in trying to be stylish about it. There is no fashionable/unfashionable, there’s only practical/impractical
4. Get a block heater for your car; if you come from a cold place, it’s probably standard equipment.

If you fall through ice into frozen water and can’t climb out, allow yourself to freeze to the ice – someone might see you and save you, even if you pass out.

Snow is a great insulator and if you need to, you can build shelter out of it. A quinzee is fastest. It can keep you alive if you are lost.

PUT A SHOVEL IN YOUR CAR.
PUT AN EMERGENCY WINTER SUPPLY KIT IN YOUR CAR.

In a blizzard, do not travel. I know you’d rather be home than stuck at work overnight. But low visibility in a blizzard is not the same as low visibility in fog. You can get easily twisted around in areas that you know like the back of your hand, and no one will be able to see you to help you if you need it. Do not travel in blizzards.

Related to this: the normal rules do not apply in the cold. You can knock on a stranger’s door for help; you can take strangers in to warm up. You can approach a stranger in the cold and offer them rides if they look like they need help. Children should know that if forced to choose “talking to strangers to ask for help” and “freezing to death,” they are to choose “talking to strangers.”

If you ARE too warm in your many layers, but it is still deathly cold out, DO NOT unzip your coat. Lowering the temperature of your core is dangerous. You can easily cool down by removing a mitt or glove. You can lose fingers and toes if your extremities aren’t protected, but if your core gets too cold you can die.

Do not go ANYWHERE without appropriate winter gear, even if you think it’ll only be a quick jaunt from here to there. You never know when your car will break down or get stuck. You need that coat.

Don’t leave either your children or your pets in your car while you go into a store, or my god what is WRONG with you?

Everyone who has grown up in a cold climate knows what it feels like to be so cold you can’t bend your fingers or feel your face, knows what it’s like to be so cold that touching anything warm burns, to be so cold it takes hours to warm up, to be genuinely worried that they’ll lose their fingers or toes.
No one will judge you for being so cold you start crying only to have your eyelashes freeze together. We’ve all been there. We will help.

Fun fact – after moving to a much colder area I’ve gained 6 kilos. Skinny people can and will store additional fat – it’s to help them survive after changing climate zones. If you are moving to another climate area (namely, colder climate area), invest in a better wardrobe. Boots with thick sole. In Russia we have valenki and we wear woolen socks underneath

Wool is your friend. The fluffier the better. The more fluff the better insulation. Skiing clothes are also a good help, especially coupled with other layers and wool. And, oh! If you can, get one of those: 

Woolen shawls like these ones are usually handmade, so as to preserve the fluff, and they are wonderful for heat insulation. You can use one for yourself, you can bundle up your kid, and it’s gonna be warm and snug. Like, I wore one when we hit a -30C streak a while ago, and it was nice. 

GUARD YOUR HIPS! I mean, it’s pretty easy to bundle up your torso, but your hips and thighs and knees… Yep. Not so much. If you have some woolen kneewarmers for arthritis, or you can procure some for yourself – do it.