Tag: maybe

Morning, 12 June 17

*makes rude gestures* Body hates me this morning. Brain does too.

No crochet today, because trigger point under the right shoulderblade is still being angry painful. I’m losing track of time really badly. (I could have sworn it was only 0830 just a couple minutes ago, how the hell is it 1000 already?) I want to go back to bed, but at the same time, I got up because sleep was no longer an option my body or brain were willing to go with.

There is too much to do, and I’m not processing well with where to start, because executive dysfunction is fucking horrible, and today is apparently a bad day for it. Even the idea of doing my organization projects that usually are soothing is making anxiety try to claw its way up my spine.

Hopefully I can get a grip on this mess after food. Which is going to be whatever is fucking simple to make, and it’s very tempting for it to be peanut butter cups. (Except no, because sweet is gross right at the moment.)

Also, the tiny humans next door seem to be louder than usual, which may be a migraine trying to hit me over the head, too, which is not good, even though it would explain the executive dysfunction being high in the manner it is.

*sighs, and whimpers, and scrubs at hair* Damnit. Ok. Food. And feed the cat. And then worry about what the fuck to do today.

*hugs you tightly* You’re on my list of people whose fics I need to post a rec for during my mostly-a-hiatus while I’m on the road, if that helps. And it sucks to always be left off rec lists, be they single-fandom, single-pairing, or multiple of one or both. It hurts, and it sucks, and I wish so much you didn’t have to go through it too.

poplitealqueen:

*forgotten fic writers fistbump of solidarity*

Seriously, you’re not on any of them, either? Me, I can understand, but you? Friendo, that’s just fucked up I’m sorry it’s like that.

*head rub* I wasn’t always left off of them. I’ve popped on ones since I started writing regularly for SW, but recently *pbbbt* Nothing. Worst part is, it isn’t like rec lists aren’t being made. I’m just apparently not good enough to appear on ‘em anymore! (Which I know, subjectively, isn’t true, but it’s the first thing I think when I see nearly everyone I know on more than a few, but not even a single mention of me. Well, at least not at first. Afterthought, ahoy!)

Don’t fret about putting me on one if you don’t have the spoons. I’d rather people put me on one when I’m not getting all butthurt about it, but I still appreciate the gesture. You’re on my Rec Lists too when I start making them again.

You’re right, though. It hurts, and it sucks, and – if I may add something – it takes out every bit of urge to update or write out of hardworking writers. It’s hard to find that again by yourself, it really is. *hugs* Have a good night, dude, and I hope the urge to write doesn’t leave you, too.

#morgynleri#important af#we should start a fanclub of forgotten people#i think this is the one thing i hate about reclists#no matter how hard you try someone is gonna get hurt because fandom consumes more than it gives back#or sometimes they don’t consume at all which is worse#*shrug*#thanks for telling me it’s alright to feel bad about this morgyn

*fistbump*

I have only seen something I write on one rec list, and I wasn’t even named as one of the authors, even though I wrote a good deal for it. It made it really hard to even bother writing for that shared AU, to be forgotten even on something I wrote.

And you’re going to get a post in the stuff at least (because while I’m avoiding tumblr because hiatus-of-minimal-internet, I do have internet this week while I’m staying with @lferion, and I’m going to use it to attempt to fill the queue for the next five weeks with cute animals and fic recs and my own stories). Whether I manage more than one depends on how far I get in catching up on reading fic, and at least start reading Of Iron (because Tolkien is one of the fandoms I have been on the fringes of for years, and I like having more fic to read there, too).

(This post is getting long, and getting into self-indulgent and possibly self-centered ranting, so the rest is under a cut.)

It does take a lot of the desire to bother to update out of a writer – and I’d only really gotten that back after AO3 finally gave me feedback*. Kudos, a hit counter, the occasional comment or bookmark. Sometimes I even get a bookmark that’s a rec, or has a comment on it! It’s always nice. And subscribers, to individual stories or series or to me in general.

On tumblr, there are people who regularly like and reblog as they have spoons to do so, and have noticed the fic post (I have gone to a regular time-slot for that because it makes it easier for people to find if they’re looking for it). There are sometimes comments, and I always go read tags if people bother with them.

This is why I make a point of reblogging even the fic I don’t have the spoons to read right away from people I follow, when I see it. Why I make a point of reblogging art, too. It’s why I mentioned on my hiatus post that if mutuals post fic or art, please to @ mention me so it shows up in my email notifications (at least in theory, since several seem to have only shown up in my activity feed lately).

Anyway. A point of reblogging, because it gets to more eyes, because it tells the author/artist that yes, I see you, I see you have made a Thing, and I would like everyone I know looks my direction to see you have made a Thing, and for them to maybe read/view the Thing, and hope that one of them has the spoons to say more happy, squeeful words about the Thing than I might have at the time I see it to reblog it.

*There is a reason that the posts about how comments were all-important in the Good Old LJ Days, and how this and that author are so disappointed by current fandom’s inability to leave a comment piss me off. Because dude, bully for you to have gotten comments on that platform. I got ignored and forgotten and I actually fucking like having kudos/likes now, and a fucking hit counter so I can see that people actually are at least opening the fic.

Even if I still get left behind a lot because I have a sporadic update schedule that’s been made worse by deteriorating mental and physical health, and I tend to eschew the popular pairings even when I write shippy fic, and I don’t tend to go for whatever the popular tropes are at the current moment, and there’s been a distinct dearth of sex in anything I’ve written for years now as I’ve been able to put words to my own attractions and come to terms with my discomfort writing a lot of romance or sex, and preferring friendships and found-family over romantic pair-bonds that result in sex.

*takes a deep breath* Anyway. Yeah.

Also, on a tangential note that some might not think has anything to do with any of this – of my primary deities, one is Persephone, as the Queen of the Underworld, of the unwanted and the forgotten; and another is Hel, Queen of the Dead, of the outcast and the abandoned. The primary aspect of Loki for me is the Mother of Monsters.

Because they are the ones who say to me “it is ok to hurt. It is ok to be upset that everyone and everything passes you by. Being a monster who no one wants out there doesn’t mean that no one loves you. Because if nothing else, you can always come to us. We know what it is like to be on the outside, to be disdained for our choices, to be ignored because we failed to play the game everyone wants us to play.”

And that? I need from somewhere. And I offer it to anyone who needs it. It is ok to be hurt that you are unpopular. It is ok to be different. And if you are hurting and lost and abandoned and forgotten, there is welcome here.

(Treat people like things, and everything changes, because part of being one of the people on the fringes of what mainstream society finds acceptable, at least for me, is protecting, to the best of my ability, those who are likewise from those who come to my attention as those who try to push the people at the fringes down and out and away and call us less than human. I don’t expect this will be a problem from most of my followers, but I figure it is best said anyway.)