Petition to fucking salt and burn the concept of “attention-seeking behaviour” as something intrinsically bad in children
To elaborate: If a child especially* is seeking attention, it’s because they fucking need some attention. “Attention and interaction from adults” is a non-negotiable neurological need. It is as important as food and water and clothing and a place to pee.
There will be times when a child seeks attention that are Unfortunate, either because now is not a good time for attention, or because the manner in which they are trying to get the attention is Unfortunate. See also “TALK TO ME WHEN YOU ARE ON AN IMPORTANT PHONE-CALL” and “I WILL GET YOUR ATTENTION BY SCREAMING AND BREAKING YOUR STUFF.”
But here’s the trick: if they are seeking attention then, and in that way, that means that they are not getting attention they need otherwise. And not reinforcing the bad behaviour is only half the solution. The other half is giving them attention in other ways and responses to other things.
If the only way that a child gets attention is by acting out? They will act out. Their all-powerful lizard-brains (which are absolutely, in children, VERY POWERFUL) will eventually literally just see the negative consequences of the behaviour as the price to pay for getting the attention their brains absolutely need as much as their bodies need food and water and to take a piss.
You cannot get out of the absolute responsibility to give a child under your care regular positive attention and interaction. If the child under your care is starting to show bad attention-seeking behaviour? That is a fail-proof diagnostic that on some level that child is not getting the attention and validation they need.
This does not mean that you do things that will tell them “yes, behaving this way will get you good attention.” But it does mean that you need to start showing them how to get more good attention from you.
You have to start teaching, “No, you cannot crawl all over me when I’m on the phone – but when I hang up the phone you can come ask for a hug or for me to look at your drawing”. YOU HAVE TO DO BOTH PARTS OF THIS. If you need a child to stop doing things like Making Messes for Attention, you have to start GIVING THEM attention for good things (and you know you might have to start at the very very bottom of the rung with “thank you so much for not making a mess today! Let’s play hide and seek!” Or something similar, but TOUGH SHIT, YOU ARE THE GROWNUP, THEY ARE THE CHILD).
… and if the child in question is younger than 12 (well really 18 at least, but DEFINITELY 12) months just fucking pay attention to them, they don’t have the cognitive capacity to understand putting off fulfillment, ok?
You know what the WORST THING possible for a baby to start doing is? Not trying to get adult attention.
Because that means that their brains have decided that you have abandoned them in the grass for the hyenas to eat, so they’re just going to stop developing and start dissociating. And this ends up with attachment disorders that will actually cause the child great difficulties in later life.
If a baby is crying and honestly distressed, fucking soothe it already.
(nb: yes, to some extent babies do need to learn to self-soothe; this lady has an actually sane article about this process which is a miracle, which gets into more detail about the processes involved and how it is a PROCESS, not just leaving the baby there to cry itself into hysterical exhaustion and teaching it that you won’t respond to its needs. PROCESS.) (nb2: sometimes the sleep/soothe process also gets into genuinely Medically Complicated Territory at which point you should be working with an actual paediatrician with specific training/etc, and you STILL don’t just leave the fucking baby there to scream for hours, trust me).
This has been your swear-filled elaboration of a friend’s aggravation for the day. Tip your server.
*adults also need attention, but adults are, well, adults: it is in fact their own responsibility to figure out how to seek attention from people who have the capacity to give it to them, at times that are good for everyone involved, etc. Children, however, are damn well children and it is the responsibility of caregiver adults to fulfill their needs and TEACH THEM how to fulfill their needs as they grow.
Also, sometimes you as the adult may need to SET THEM UP so you can give them positive attention, if they don’t give you enough opportunities naturally. Something really stupidly easy. Something tiny, I don’t mean a big reward but literally just saying thanks or smiling or other mild positive acknowledgement, and then lather rinse repeat until the kid (or. Uh. Horse. Just as an example.) learns to trust you as a source of normal positive human interaction, and then I guess just keep going with the positive interaction. (This obvs. doesn’t mean being totally happy and positive all the time because that’s a) not possible and b) learning how to deal with fucking up and negative emotions is also important, just that ONLY giving negative attention is not good for the reasons stated above.)
Yesss. A concept I use a lot with parents is, “Catch them being good.” Make a point of spotting the moments when they ARE doing what you want, and let them know you’re paying attention.
And you’re right, it’s not just praise. It’s literally anything. The point is “serve and return” interactions that literally build brain circuitry:
“Because that means that their brains have decided that you have abandoned them in the grass for the hyenas to eat, so they’re just going to stop developing and start dissociating. And this ends up with attachment disorders that will actually cause the child great difficulties in later life.”
I’m finally addressing what needs to be said given the behavior of fandom over the last few weeks. It took me a while because I wasn’t entirely sure what to say that didn’t have me go off on a tangent with my point hiding like a needle in a haystack.
I’ve been seeing a lot of horrific actions from fandom lately, but what’s even worse is that a lot more well-meaning fans are getting sucked into anti rhetoric because they are terrified of being wrong and becoming a potential target. That’s insidious.
Accusing people of something as strong as pedophilia because their ship has an age gap is not social justice. Sending people disgusting images of gore and child pornography because you deem their ship immoral is not social justice. Creating block lists of “problematic” blogs because you don’t agree with their content is not social justice
AND ALL THESE ACTIONS DO IS TURN PEOPLE INTO TARGETS AND CREATE MORE VICTIMS VIA MOB RULE.
It’s disgusting and such actions aren’t fooling anyone. Because this isn’t about protecting fandom and survivors, this is about dictating fandom behavior to feed their own inflated sense of self-righteousness. This is the reason we call these people “antis”. Their motivation lies entirely with disliking a certain ship or content creator, and using social justice buzzwords that Tumblr thrives on in order to spread fear and discourse.
Trust me, I’ve been in fandom longer than a fraction of you have even been alive. Morally policing fandom has NEVER ended well. NEVER. All it does is just create victims, and once one innocent person is driven away, the mob then turns its teeth on another, and the vicious cycle continues until the entire fandom just falls apart. It probably stems from a form of jealousy, a narcissistic need to have fandom enjoy things the way they do, and if they can’t have their fun then no one can. Then again, I’m not really here to rationalize such irrational actions.
So for those who find themselves caught in the middle and unsure what to do, I’m going to ask that if you see this kind of “anti” behavior to please recognize it for what it is: just someone who is using buzzwords to wave around their superior sense of morality and nothing more. Like, seriously, what kind of person sees an event that specifically talks about dedicating a week filled with nothing but positivity for fandom and they immediately start tearing it down? What kind of person makes callout posts and block lists that call for fandom to rally against a single individual just because they don’t agree with said individual’s content? What kind of person thinks it’s okay to slander and accuse others of heavy crimes like pedophilia just because a certain ship is in competition with their own?
Such sanctimonious behavior isn’t unique to fandom, either. As a parent, I see this shit all the time in the, erm, “mom fandom” I guess we can call it. I’ve seen people accused of child abuse for using formula instead of breastfeeding. For letting their kids watch more than an hour of TV per day. For not feeding their kids organic food straight out of the dirt. Ridiculous? Yes, and this whole “anti” behavior is ranked right up there on that ridiculous level. And both these groups of people are coming from the same exact sanctimonious place. So you’re damn right I don’t buy into anti rhetoric about how they are just “looking out for fandom”. Bullshit. And that bullshit is the same everywhere.
Nobody here is saying you can’t be uncomfortable with things, of course not. But there are a lot of things in this world that you are going to be exposed to that you don’t like, that make you uncomfortable, that will trigger you. There are only two healthy ways of dealing with this:
One, you can engage that person in a conversation, explain your stance, and then listen to their response. No, this isn’t tone-policing. You don’t know anyone’s story or their motivations. Nothing in this world gives you the right to be abusive to another human being that sits behind your screen.
Two, simply don’t give that person your support anymore. Unfollow, block, and move on with your life. Don’t turn someone into a target of abuse. Don’t create a victim.
I don’t know all the reasons why I like dark things, and I don’t think I need to know them all, but… I was just looking at the blog of that person who said I “dehumanize and fetishize” gay men, and I saw that he was quite young (15) and his blog was all full of pastel colors and references to his mental illness and something dawned on me that I hadn’t thought about in a Tumblr context at all.
Part of my PTSD is about experiences I had in hospitals, and because of that one of my triggers is… not pastels, all by themselves, but like… have you ever stayed in a hospital as a kid? And everything is covered in soothing soft colors and all the nurses wear scrubs with like… cute animal drawings on them and everyone talks in a sing-song voice and reassures you things won’t hurt when they OBVIOUSLY will and you’d rather they tell the truth, accept that you have good reasons to be scared, and get it the hell overwith?
Yeah, I think I just figured out why those kids’ blogs give me a weird tingly feeling of creeping dread.
And I think I figured out, also, where my intense leeriness of “safe spaces” and trigger warnings comes from too–even though as a person with PTSD I’m supposed to want them.
It’s because in my experience, people who were trying to make me feel safe were LYING. They were lying because it was in their interest–in mine, too, but in theirs–for me to feel calm and soothed. For me not to feel despair, or anger, or blind screaming rage.
…Is it any wonder I like the stories where the people with the knives and the cruel smiles and the mind games are blatant about it? Or that I might want a few knives of my own, even though I have no desire to hurt anyone who isn’t going to get off on it?
I don’t want those kids to not need safety.
I want them to stop pretending safety looks the same for everyone.
Yes, this.
When people tell me “You’re safe,” I don’t think of Helpful Adult saving me from the monsters under the bed. I think of my teachers, saying the people who hurt me would never do such a thing, and I should stop lying because I was perfectly safe. I think of the people who used to hug me until my lungs wouldn’t fill and my ribs creaked, and got away without a whisper of a reprimand. Because they were pretty and soft, and I was cold and harsh.
That’s not safe, to me. That’s the most dangerous place in the world, because the people who live there will do anything- anything at all- if it means they don’t have to acknowledge how nasty their walled garden has really gotten. Because if I defend myself, they can’t pretend anymore. And they sure as hell won’t defend me.
THIS.
I have experienced a lot of passive-aggressive emotional abuse in my life and let me tell you – my abusers had a vested interest in keeping me calm.
Upset means resistance. Upset means that they have to face the damage they’ve caused. Upset means that you may finally realize that you should leave. Upset means that you might just get up and leave. So they soothe you. They make you doubt the validity of your feelings. They make you feel guilty for getting upset. They make you think that the issue was your fault in the first place. They make you feel like getting upset is pointless. They make you feel like you have wronged them and yourself by being unhappy.
You do not have to let yourself be soothed. You do not have to let them take the fight out of you. If you do not feel safe; you do not have to feel guilty for getting yourself out. You do not have to feel guilty for being upset when someone has wronged you. You do not have to feel guilty for seeking your own brand of safety.
This is the most poignant description of what it actually feels like to be helpless in an institution that I’ve ever read.
It’s a special kind of violence to be hurt and to be told that it’s kindness. It’s intensely intimate and perverted. Succumbing to it is… spiritually destructive in a way that I have a hard time putting to words. Just… in my safe space I’m always fighting because as long as I continue to struggle that very special form of violence can’t take hold of me and I’ll be okay.
Like… when I get triggered about some of these experiences I’ll even have fantasies about dying while resisting. I mean… I don’t want to go into details because super triggering but… just think about that for a moment.
“It’s a special kind of violence to be hurt and to be told that it’s kindness. It’s intensely intimate and perverted.”
My experiences are not exactly the same as yours, but this, yes.
This is why I have such intense reactions to unkind SJ, whether it’s “sit down, shut up, and listen” (gee, what might that resemble?) or “representation means heroes with no serious flaws.”
Because that particular “shh, shh, shh, if we pretend utopia is already here, it soon will be” lie has hurt me EVERY TIME I’ve heard it.
I’m learning now that the roots of a lot of my trauma was this exact “your life is perfect, you’re not allowed to feel anything other than happiness, you’re ungrateful,” yelling more if I cried, any inkling of talking back or standing up for myself was met with twice the punishment, etc
So while it’s understandable that those in a dark place seek softness and gentle color, and there’s nothing wrong with that, those of us forced into it seek the grime as a form of truth and expression that wasn’t allowed for us, or a fictional playground of violence and anger where we can actually scream our frustrations onto a canvas.
And telling people that they should ditch such exploration for holy goodness is just another form of telling us our anger shouldn’t exist
Physical touch is very startling, and can be triggering. It also can hurt people!
If you don’t have permission, don’t touch!! Why do I have to say this!!
Many people with chronic conditions (especially fibromyalgia or neuropathy) experience allodynia, which is the sensation of pain triggered by light pressure. I have days where brushing against my soft sheets or cotton underwear cause me pain. Imagine what an unexpected pat on the back or hug would feel like someone in this state. If you can’t imagine, I’ll tell you: it’s fucking excruciating. Also, don’t be a creep and touch people without asking.
Also if you touch someone who isn’t expecting it who has PTSD, you might get an elbow in the face. Or groin. Or … look, it’s been close a few times.
And I LIKE being touched! Most of the time! By people who I said are okay for touching!
Unless I’m upset in a way that it’s a time for NOT touching, which is also a thing that should be respected. Someone being okay with being touched one time does not mean they are ALWAYS okay with being touched. Even if one time they wanted a hug when they were upset! If it is a DIFFERENT KIND of upset, they might not be okay with being touched then.
There are emotionally abusive parents who either use withholding touch as a punishment or overriding a child’s boundaries or desire for personal space or choice about being touched. (Like “You’re upset, so you need a hug to shut you up”. It’s not unlike that creepy “shut up kiss” trope in movies.) Or both. In adults, that can make your relationship to being touched REALLY WEIRD. (Even if you’re touch-starved.) Consent is IMPORTANT!
“Would you like a hug?” is a good phrase.
In the end there doesn’t have to be anyone who understands you. There just has to be someone who wants to.
Every day I’m still getting notes on an old post where I said that eating healthier costs more money and of course every so often is another health zealot swearing I’m wrong.
EXCEPT:
one dollar at dollar tree
one dollar at mcdonald’s
A fucking quarter almost everywhere
And what these bozos aren’t factoring in is that these foods, loaded with salts and fats and carbs and sugars, are FILLING for a shitload longer than whatever colon cleansing non-GMO avocado unicorn poop some thinspo blog is bragging about. The box of oatmeal creme cookies even lasts more than a day, just two of those things and I have no appetite again for hours.
Personally we are eating better and making more money currently but when I was a kid it was all the above shit and potatoes. Lots and fucking lots of potatoes.
STOP FUCKING TELLING POOR PEOPLE THEY’RE STUPID FOR NOT EATING LIKE YOUR HIPSTER ORGANIC CRAP
Another thing they’re forgetting is food waste. Fresh produce only lasts so long. So to regularly eat fresh you have to 1) go grocery shopping more often and 2) have your meals planned out ahead of time to use everything.
When you only have $50 or less for food for the month, it’s devastating to see $10 worth of fresh produce rot. Especially if it’s because you just don’t have time to cook it. (Poor people usually juggle multiple jobs, work overtime, or work jobs with inconsistent schedules like retail or food services.) They don’t have time to run to the grocery store 3+ times a week, especially if they have to hit up multiple stores to get the cheap prices. They don’t have time to spend 1+ hour every week doing a meal plan. And they probably don’t have that much time or energy to cook.
When I was severely poor (like, we determined which bill to pay each month by how close they were to being shut off. “We paid water last month, so they won’t turn it off until next month. It’s been two months of electricity though, so we should probably pay that before we get a cutoff.) we did not buy fresh. All our veggies were canned, because they don’t spoil. We had lots of ramen, just in case we ran out of money and couldn’t buy groceries for a while. We didn’t buy meat unless we knew we would cook it that day because we didn’t want to see it spoil. We ate a lot of boxed meals. And when I was working 60+ hours a week, you can bet your ass I ate a lot of cheap packaged shit like little debbie. Because I didn’t have time to cook before my 12 hour work day, I only got 4 hours of sleep and I wasn’t sacrificing 30 minutes for a hot breakfast, and I couldn’t afford to eat out.
Anyone who says shit like this has never been poor. When you’re poor it’s not just money you’re lacking, but time, and resources, and mother fucking energy. It’s rough. And I wouldn’t be so quick to judge them if I were you, because the poor have been through more than you could ever understand.
remember when i said veganism was clasist & not an option 4 most of society n they were all in my inbox actin like typical vegans…. well there u go
This goes doubly for chronically ill or disabled poor people. There really isn’t time and energy to make each meal especially if you’re working. It’s damn near impossible.
It’s great if eating vegan or all fresh products or what not works for you but keep in mind it won’t work for everyone.
Something else is that cooking fresh food takes time (and spoons) that people who are working multiple jobs, looking after children, or are ill/disabled don’t have. Box meals take a relative low amount of time and often involve less active cooking time so you can use the three minutes the ramen is boiling to pay attention to your kids or sit down.
From the article:”That many top college graduates hesitate to join a profession with low wages is no great surprise. For many years, talented women had few career alternatives to nursing and teaching; this kept teacher quality artificially high. Now that women have more options, if we want to attract strong teachers, we need to pay competitive salaries. As one observer put it, if you cannot find someone to sell you a Lexus for a few dollars, that doesn’t mean there is a car shortage.”
I really hate it when people confuse the terms “Canon”, “Headcanon” and “Alternate Universe”.
“Canon”: Something that has been outright been stated in canon outside of a joke, in a way that unambiguously means this exact thing and nothing else.
“Headcanon”: It was never unambiguously specified in canon, but I interpret this on my own in a way that goes along with canon without contradicting it.
There's a Mirror on the Wall 