“I love you, my sons”
My real issue with this(apart from the fact that it’s not a fix for all the pain that Odin caused) is that it’s too damn late. Yes, Loki needed to hear it and it’s good that he finally did. But he needed it much sooner.
He needed to hear “I love you too, brother” from Thor before the coronation instead of “Thank you”.
He needed to hear “I love you” from Odin instead of “You are my son”. Because they aren’t the same thing. He needed to be sure of his place and his father’s love for him instead of feeling like a useless relic: “Bring about permanent peace through you. But those plans no longer matter”.
I was waiting the whole time that somebody tells Loki that he is loved but it didn’t happen.
Next time he sees Odin, he is told that “Your birthright was to die!” and he is sentenced to solitary confinement for life. Thor doesn’t visit. He only sees his mother by illusions. None of his family sees it fit to tell him that his mother died. He isn’t even given a chance to say goodbye.
This “I love you” is too late. These words don’t match the actions. They are too little, too late.
Odin, you used that word, but I don’t think it means what you think it means.
I can’t help but think that must have felt like the worst gaslighting to Loki.
Also, it truly is interesting to note that until that moment, the only person in that entire fucked up family to verbally express love…was Loki.
That read to me as the worst kind of gaslighting too, and my reactions were mostly on the line of poor Loki that gets those words when they not only mean nothing, but actually are a hurt and an insult. Though I can very well see Odin meaning them. I understand that some fans are upset that there was not satisfactory resolution (and some are upset, and IMO kinda rightly-ish about that others have decided that this throwaway bone of gaslighting from an old dad not very clear in their mind WAS enough and should feel enough to Loki, to us), but it actually fits extremely well with the history and MO of that fucked up family, and quite realistically parallels a lot of RL shit. Odin in all likelihood thinks/thought he loved his sons (nobody is a villain in their own mind), and he was still a shit dad. And he died a shit dad, to all his MCU-acknowledged kids. Not that he’s much better dad in comics – and honestly, anyone at least partly familiar with northern mythos would not think Odin would be a ‘good dad’ the way we nowadays think one should be. Odin just… isn’t. Odin is a mean clever tricksy darkish vengeful smart fickle fascinating fear-inducing petty god of the battlefield, wisdom and death. None of those things, except maybe death, are really ever kind to children.
Tag: gaslighting
One of the hardest things to learn, or re-learn, after any sort of emotional abuse or gaslighting, is how to change your mind.
You put so much energy and so much will into the idea that who you are isn’t bad, that you are capable of making sound decisions on your own, that the things you value aren’t dumb. There’s a lot of compensatory anger – a lot of choosing and doing things BECAUSE YOU CAN. Where material resources allow, there’s a lot of need to control your space and surround yourself with identity-laden things.
So what happens when you’ve bought a thing or gotten into a routine or whatever that was YOU and THE THING YOU ALWAYS WANTED / WANTED TO DO / WANTED TO BE, and then … it’s not exactly working out? You see something you like better?
For most people – again, resources allowing – this is not a fraught thing. Oh, you’re feeling kinda meh about those curtains, actually, and you LOVE the ones you just saw at Target? When and if you can afford it, you then donate the old ones and get new curtains. This is not a big deal. This is not even a blip of a deal. This does not have emotional significance.
Thing is, if getting that first set of curtains had been an exercise in self-expression, an assertion that you can choose things you want and not the things someone else told you to want – it gets weird. Also you spent money on those curtains that you now don’t like. You wasted that money, if you replace them. And wow, are you just going to go around replacing your curtains every few years, and like, NEVER BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE AND MAYBE YOU ACTUALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND SHOULDN’T BE TRUSTED WITH DECISIONS AND DON”T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE THOSE WERE THE PERFECT CURTAINS AND NOW YOU DON’T LIKE THEM EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD IS CRUMBLING.
… I wish this were a hyperbolic example, but I’ve actually gotten that upset about interior decorating choices.
So, for everybody else out there who may be in this too – it is normal to change. It doesn’t mean you were wrong and they were right (even if you end up agreeing with something that someone previously tried to force on you – the force was and remains wrong, the thing itself was and remains incidental). You can get the thing you thought you wanted and not want it anymore, and there are directions to go from there besides back. It’s okay. Exhale. Get the new curtains.
… I am going to get through this episode. Or at least attempt to. Because right now, I’d love to reach through the screen and strangle Zimmerman.
“I’m sorry it upsets you" (Fuck you, this is a little beyond upset, you little shit. And that’s not at all an apology for deliberately doing exactly the opposite of what Julian requested, and making sure that he was forced to have contact with people he has done his best to cut out of his life for his own well-being.)
“It is urgent. To me.” (Still doesn’t give you the right to override Julian’s own wishes regarding contact with his parents.)
“Like it or not, they’re an important part of your background, and I need to interview them.” (Right. Right. Interviewing someone who has inflicted medical abuse on a child and then continued the emotional abuse to push that child in the direction they want rather than allowing the child to develop at their pace and explore their own path is more important than respecting Julian’s own stated desires about contact with his parents. Fuck you very much.)
…..
Gods, do I want to strangle that little asshat.
Of course he can’t stand to be in the same room with you, when you’re belittling him for making his own choices. When you’re being defensive and angry about him not wanting others to know about the medical abuse you inflicted on him. Just. Fuck you very much.
Oh, Julian.
(Not quite seven when his parents uprooted him from everything he knew, and took him to doctors who took apart all he was and created someone else in his place.)
And Miles is fucking fantastic in this scene, saying that what was done, the “enhancements” didn’t inform personality. Functionally saying that Julian is who he is despite the abuse, not because of it.
(Although the fact of them happening after Julian was already a person would have some effect on his personality. As well as the disappointment of his parents prior to them, and the change in his relationship with them after. The secrets that were constantly kept.)
Julian is trying to be smaller when he’s around his parents, ducking away from them touching him. And oh gods do I want to hit his father with a brick right now.
“We’re a little beyond worrying about your wants, Jules.” (Because of course this is all about what you want, not what Julian wants. Because what Julian wants has never mattered, unless it’s the same thing as what you want. And fucking stop with calling him Jules, because that’s deliberately refusing to use the name he chooses to use in his life.)
And then accusing Julian of behaving like a spoiled child for preferring to face the consequences of his going into Starfleet and going to medical school despite knowing what the medical abuse did to him meant he wasn’t legally allowed to do so (which is an entirely different pile of utter bullshit). For behaving like a responsible adult. *screeches*
Oh. Oh, just because you were hurting that your son didn’t measure up to the average (to the best), it justifies your abuse of him. Justifies the medical abuse, the belittling, the denigration, the gaslighting, the emotional abuse. Justifies the murder of the child you had in order to create a “better” version.
FUCK YOU.
… I am going to get through this episode. Or at least attempt to. Because right now, I’d love to reach through the screen and strangle Zimmerman.
“I’m sorry it upsets you" (Fuck you, this is a little beyond upset, you little shit. And that’s not at all an apology for deliberately doing exactly the opposite of what Julian requested, and making sure that he was forced to have contact with people he has done his best to cut out of his life for his own well-being.)
“It is urgent. To me.” (Still doesn’t give you the right to override Julian’s own wishes regarding contact with his parents.)
“Like it or not, they’re an important part of your background, and I need to interview them.” (Right. Right. Interviewing someone who has inflicted medical abuse on a child and then continued the emotional abuse to push that child in the direction they want rather than allowing the child to develop at their pace and explore their own path is more important than respecting Julian’s own stated desires about contact with his parents. Fuck you very much.)
…..
Gods, do I want to strangle that little asshat.
Of course he can’t stand to be in the same room with you, when you’re belittling him for making his own choices. When you’re being defensive and angry about him not wanting others to know about the medical abuse you inflicted on him. Just. Fuck you very much.
Oh, Julian.
(Not quite seven when his parents uprooted him from everything he knew, and took him to doctors who took apart all he was and created someone else in his place.)
And Miles is fucking fantastic in this scene, saying that what was done, the “enhancements” didn’t inform personality. Functionally saying that Julian is who he is despite the abuse, not because of it.
(Although the fact of them happening after Julian was already a person would have some effect on his personality. As well as the disappointment of his parents prior to them, and the change in his relationship with them after. The secrets that were constantly kept.)
Julian is trying to be smaller when he’s around his parents, ducking away from them touching him. And oh gods do I want to hit his father with a brick right now.
“We’re a little beyond worrying about your wants, Jules.” (Because of course this is all about what you want, not what Julian wants. Because what Julian wants has never mattered, unless it’s the same thing as what you want. And fucking stop with calling him Jules, because that’s deliberately refusing to use the name he chooses to use in his life.)
And then accusing Julian of behaving like a spoiled child for preferring to face the consequences of his going into Starfleet and going to medical school despite knowing what the medical abuse did to him meant he wasn’t legally allowed to do so (which is an entirely different pile of utter bullshit). For behaving like a responsible adult. *screeches*
Highlander liveblogging
Continuing from yesterday, starting with the scene where Methos returns to where Kronos is staying. Also known as Methos is a little shit, and Kronos demonstrates he is sometimes really blind to some nuances of human nature. Like, don’t ask Methos to kill his friends. It’s dangerous.
Below a cut because this is getting long. It has a lot of dialogue I like.
“So. You’re back.”
“What’d you think I’d do? Run and hide? Go somewhere you couldn’t find me?”
“No. You’re too smart for that. You know that I’d track you down, no matter how long it took. And then I’d kill you.”
“Well, it’s nice to feel wanted.”
“Not want. Need. A dozen times I tried to take up the old ways.”
(More dialogue that doesn’t interest me as much, Methos thinks he might be able to convince himself to kill Kronos, fails to do so, Kronos is amused, Methos stumbles back, disarmed (of his sword).)
"Don’t you understand? I’m not like that anymore; I… I’ve changed.”
“No. You pretended to. Maybe even convinced yourself you had. But inside you’re still there, Methos, you’re like me.”
(… Kronos, you gaslighting bastard. Hrumph. New viewing, with new knowledge, gain a new perspective, still enjoy the character, just want to hit him with a brick more. Lots more.)
“Not anymore.”
“No? Tell me you haven’t missed it.”
“The killing?”
“The freedom. The power. Riding out of the sun knowing you’re the most terrifying thing that they’ve ever seen. Knowing their gods and their weapons are useless against you. That you’re the last thing they’ll ever see; that’s what you are meant to be, Methos. Don’t fight it. Feel it.”
(Say hello to one of my favorite lines, and still is. I love the idea of it. I also know that if I were given the opportunity to do something like Kronos has in mind, I’d pass on it. Because what’s the point? Fear is nice, in small doses. Then it starts to get boring, and irritating.
and continuing with Kronos.)
“I’m going to do you a favor. You know Cassandra’s here.”
“We didn’t exactly exchange gifts.”
“Then you know she’ll kill you if she gets the chance. You never could bring yourself to take her head, could you? So I’m going to do it for you.”
“And in return?”
“You kill Duncan MacLeod.”
“But he’s my friend. He’s nothing to you; why?”
“Why? Because he’s your friend. Because you still have to prove yourself, and because you owe me!”
(Kronos, you are an abusive, gaslighting, controlling bastard. And you need hit with a brick. And the fun part is, from the flashbacks, he’s a slightly more reasonable person before Methos breaks up the Horsemen the first time. I keep thinking that one of the reasons he’s such a damned mess, beyond the fact that he’s a prop to show that MacLeod is a Good Guy, and Always Wins, is because Methos went to extremes to get rid of Kronos the first time because he couldn’t bring himself to give Kronos the mercy of death.)
There's a Mirror on the Wall 