*thumps head against the wall a moment*

I do not have to keep in contact with toxic people who do not respect that I am a person and an individual and not an extension of someone else just because they are relatives. I do not have to attend their events just because they are relatives and therefore to some people that counts as family.

I do not have to keep in contact with even my mother if the relationship is toxic to me. And I do not need to have someone trying to convince me that I should do any of these things I do not have to do just because they believe that shared genetics make someone automatically family.

*takes a deep breath*

September. I have a place to go, a plan to get there, and am laying the groundwork for having work and a place of my own once I am there. There is a functional health-care system, there’s access to medication that will help make working a job possible, there’s a sane minimum wage.

September. Me and my cat, and the bare essentials to start over. I can always pay for a moving company and a friend to move the rest of my stuff later, when I have my own place.

I may need to ask for help for a bit, but I will worry about that when I have things enough figured out to know what I need to ask help with.

*another deep breath*

I’m very glad that most of my social life is online, that most of my friends I have connections made via the internet rather than brick-space. And I’m glad to have you guys, because without the connections I’ve made here, I probably wouldn’t be able – emotionally, mentally – to look at getting out of the toxic environment I’ve lived in my whole life.

But now? I can think about it without worrying as much about if I’ll be able to land on my feet. Because there are so many people who’d reach out to catch me if things go badly, and I know it, and it lets me feel like I can make that leap of faith, and just go.

My anxiety still is going to gnaw at me, my depression isn’t going to help, the pain is going to be a problem, but none of them are things that I can’t find a way to ameliorate, and there will be more chances to do that when I get to the other side of the country.

And there will be issues with sunlight, but I know that going into this. And the city I’m heading for knows this can be an issue with people, and have solutions for it, instead of expecting people to just cope on their own.

A job. Health care. A place of my own. A chance to get my life back to a place I’m actually satisfied about, rather than desperately wanting to change.

And being smart about this, and taking a few months to figure shit out before I go, rather than floundering afterward.