Tag: communication
Study: Horses Ask Humans for Help With Unsolvable Tasks
TheHorse.com | 20 December, 2016
Last summer, European scientists confirmed what we’ve all suspected—horses try to communicate with us. Now, a group of scientists in Japan has gone a step further. Their new study shows that they even try to tell us things they think we don’t know ourselves.
In other words, it’s no longer just, “Hey, Favorite Human. Can I have that carrot in your hand?” It’s more like, “Hey Favorite Human. You don’t know it, but there’s a carrot in that bucket. And if you ask me, it has my name on it….”
Horses will use eye contact and touching to try to “tell” humans that food has been hidden, if they think the human didn’t see it being hidden, said Monamie Ringhofer, PhD, of the Graduate School of Intercultural Studies at Kobe University, in Japan.
“It was clear that they wanted to teach the human that there was food in a place that the human didn’t know about, and that they wanted to ask for help in getting it,” Ringhofer said.
In their two-part study of eight Thoroughbred horses from the Kobe University Equestrian Club, Ringhofer and fellow researcher Shinya Yamamoto, PhD, associate professor at Kobe University, observed horses’ reactions to food being hidden in a covered bucket. At first, horses stood alone in a paddock where they could see two buckets just out of their reach. Then a familiar caretaker stood next to the paddock, reading a book and ignoring the horse. After a minute, the caretaker left, and an assistant came up and showed a carrot to the horse before placing it in one of the buckets and covering it up. The assistant left, and the caretaker (theoretically unaware that there’s a carrot in one of the buckets) returned, still reading the book.
The second part of the experiment was similar, except that this time, the caretaker stayed next to the paddock when the assistant came with the carrot. This way the caretaker could see that the carrot was placed in a bucket and covered up.
Ringhofer and Yamamoto found that in both parts of the experiment, the horses tried to communicate with the caretaker about the hidden carrot, by looking at and touching the caretaker.
However, the horses were much more active about looking and touching the caretaker in the first part of the experiment, when the caretaker “didn’t know” about the carrot, they said.
“There was a very obvious difference in the horses’ behavior when they thought the caretaker didn’t know about the food,” Ringhofer told The Horse. “There was much more effort on their part to communicate to her not only that he wanted the food, but that there actually was food in one of the buckets.”
Before the European study on horses communicating with humans, researchers had previously looked at how aware horses are of humans’ attentional state and subtle communication tactics like eye gazing and pointing. While those studies showed that horses are capable of picking up such signals, Ringhofer said her study indicates horses seem to be capable of much more.
“Our study suggests that horses may possess a more advanced cognitive ability,” she said. “We show that it is possible that horses are sensitive to humans’ past attentional state, and that they can alter their signaling behavior accordingly.”
Ringhofer’s study shifts to a different point of view of human-horse communication, looking into the ways horses make the effort to communicate with us, instead of the contrary.
“It’s important to know how horses read us, but I also wanted to know how horses send signals to humans, because that’s also important!” she said. “Horses sometimes hide their feelings, but I want to find out what they have inside their minds. And that’s the overall theme of my continuous research: Why is it that horses become so close in their relationships with us, and what is their underlying interspecies social behavior?”
The study, “Domestic horses send signals to humans when they face with an unsolvable task,” will appear in an upcoming issue of Animal Cognition.
This is so COOL
whenever i’m talking to someone and they tell me about something that happened to them i always tell them about something that happened to me that’s similar to what happened to them. i do it as kind of a “oh hey yeah this happened to me so i can relate to what you’re going through” but i’m always afraid it comes out as “oh yeah well this happened to me so clearly i have it tougher than you” or “i’m done talking about you let’s talk about me”
i swear i don’t mean it like that……..
I run into this a lot with my job – so instead of telling the whole story I say something like, “Oh my gosh, I had something REALLY similar happen. What did you do after that??” And I’ve found that works. Usually they explain and then ask, “So what happened to you?” And then you’re invited to share, and the formula for conversing continues on. 🙂
of all the tumblr posts i’ve read, this one is going to change my life the fastest lol.
Thanks to both the OP for posting a thing that so many of us do, and the responder who gave us a better way to do it. You’re doing the lord’s work, my friend!
a good thing to do for your friends with anxiety disorders: if you have a question you need to ask them or something you need to tell them, explain the subject of the question/the statement in the same message as your opening one!
so basically: instead of saying “can i ask you a question?” and sending just that (which, as a person with an anxiety disorder, makes my anxiety go into hyperdrive) go “can i ask you a question about ___?”
it’s a little thing but honestly few things make me anxious like “i have a question for you” or “there’s something i need to tell you” without immediate explanation. thanks!
“call me, nothing is wrong, just wanna talk on the phone” would be so much better than “Call me.”
Actually please to all of this please.
YES PLEASE.
YES THIS OK????? Like I have trained my husband to say “nothing bad, I just need to call you because it’s too much to type.” It helps SO MUCH. Just let me prepare myself, because I guarantee my imagination will take me to much much darker places.
Might I add, if someone with anxiety has just said something to you that’s a lot to process, and you need some time to think about what to say in response, please consider a quick “I’m not ignoring you, I need to think about what to say and I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”
Because that definitely saves your friend with anxiety a lot of strife and assuming they’ve ruined your friendship forever. Nothing is crueler than a “Seen 2:25pm” when it’s 10am the next day and you’re waiting on a reply to a huge confession.
Normally I don’t acknowledge my anxiety very much but to any of my friends this would genuinely be helpful. Thanks
Bonus: even if you don’t struggle with anxiety, this can really help cut down on miscommunication caused by text-monotone! My roommate and I use these a lot to keep from accidentally getting into arguments.
whenever i’m talking to someone and they tell me about something that happened to them i always tell them about something that happened to me that’s similar to what happened to them. i do it as kind of a “oh hey yeah this happened to me so i can relate to what you’re going through” but i’m always afraid it comes out as “oh yeah well this happened to me so clearly i have it tougher than you” or “i’m done talking about you let’s talk about me”
i swear i don’t mean it like that……..
I run into this a lot with my job – so instead of telling the whole story I say something like, “Oh my gosh, I had something REALLY similar happen. What did you do after that??” And I’ve found that works. Usually they explain and then ask, “So what happened to you?” And then you’re invited to share, and the formula for conversing continues on. 🙂
of all the tumblr posts i’ve read, this one is going to change my life the fastest lol.
Thanks to both the OP for posting a thing that so many of us do, and the responder who gave us a better way to do it. You’re doing the lord’s work, my friend!
Fun fact: there isn’t anything wrong with you if you do what OP is describing.
Deborah Tannen’s work focuses on different conversational styles — the sets of behavioral norms and expectations that we bring with us to conversations. In one of her earlier articles, she describes two conflicting conversational styles that exist in the US.
One, which she (perhaps inaccurately) dubs “New York Jewish conversational style,” is based on the principle of building camaraderie with one’s interlocutor. The other, which she doesn’t really name but which we could call “mainstream American conversational style,” is based on the principle of not imposing on one’s interlocutor.
Each conversational style has its own behavioral norms. Mainstream American conversational style involves things like asking your interlocutor questions about him/herself and waiting until your interlocutor is clearly finished speaking until you say something. These demonstrate a focus on one’s interlocutor and a clear resistance to imposing. NYJ conversational style involves things like conversational overlaps — speaking at the same time as one’s interlocutor — and “swapping stories.” These demonstrate a high level of engagement with one’s interlocutor. Conversationalists using the mainstream American style make space for each other; conversationalists using the New York Jewish style carve out their own space.
Each of these conversational styles works well when the two people conversing have the same style. Imagine two friends meeting for drinks after work:
“Oh, hello! How was your trip here?”
“Oh, it was awful. There was so much traffic on the turnpike.”
“That’s terrible.”
“I know. How was your trip?”
“Well, there was an accident on the bridge.”
“Oh no! Was there a big backup?”
“Yeah, pretty big.”“Oh, hi!”
“Hey! Ugh, sorry I’m late, there was so much traffic on the turnpike—”
“Oh my god, I know, there was an accident on the bridge and the cars were backed up a MILE—”
“That is the worst, I remember one time I sat in traffic for an HOUR waiting to get through that toll, they really should—”
“Add more EZ-pass lanes, right?”
“Add more lanes, yeah, exactly.”Both of these conversations worked: the participants feel that they’ve had their say and that they’ve been understood. They feel connected to their interlocutor.
But when people with conflicting conversational styles converse, that’s where things go wrong. Because we interpret other people’s contributions according to our own conversational style. So the person with mainstream American conversational style comes away thinking “Why did they keep interrupting me? Why didn’t they ask me any questions about me? Why were they so loud and emotional?” And the person with the New York Jewish conversational style comes away thinking “Why were they so disengaged? They didn’t seem involved in the conversation at all. They didn’t even offer any personal information.”
Rather, they would come away thinking that, except that we’re taught growing up that the first example conversation up there is what conversations should look like. So the person with the New York Jewish conversational style actually comes away from the conversation thinking “oh my god, what was I doing? I kept talking about myself. I think I kept interrupting them. I am so rude, god, I’m the worst.” When in fact: a) it’s about cultural difference, not individual moral qualities; and b) one conversational style isn’t inherently “better” than another.
Which isn’t to say that we shouldn’t attempt to bridge the gap between conversational styles, as suggested above. But we should be aware that:
TL;DR: Cultural difference is often mistaken for individual moral failings.
OH MY GOD THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH
My wife and I used to have so many issues until we figured out that we had conflicting conversational styles. My style is the West Indian version of New York Jewish. The more interested, engaged and comfortable I am with the speaker, the louder, more emotional and more just jump in and talk while she was talking.
Her style is the Jacksonville Florida version of mainstream American. Slow, measured, waiting for the other person to tell their story.
Until we figured that out, I felt like she wasn’t engaged and she felt like I was bulldozing right over her.
We’ve met in the middle. I give her more room to talk and she’s slowly learning to get excited and jump in.
This is actually really interesting for me in particular– I and a lot of people sort of “get by” on scripts because of autism or other reasons. So the idea that your scripts could be from an “incompatible” style and need tweaking depending on who you’re talking to adds another layer of complexity.
Also the fact that someone who can’t navigate social situations as well as others might never develop the “style” typical of the area of the world they live in, resulting in feelings of being an ‘outsider.’
Furthermore, there is the phenomenon that everybody seems to think everybody else from other regions (or countries!) is some shade of rude– it probably has less to do with character, and more to do with our communication styles. Whether we speak the same language as a primary language, or if someone’s transplanted a conversational style from a different, native language.
@starry-mabel linguistics
I love this
The OTW is Recruiting for Media Outreach Liaisons and Translators. We’re especially looking for people fluent in Arabic, Croatian, Greek, Hindi, Japanese, Kiswahili, Latvian, Norwegian, Brazilian Portuguese, Slovenian, Turkish, Vietnamese or Welsh: https://goo.gl/otRccV
I am currently giggling, torn between “oh shit” and “this is awesome”. My mom has discovered emojis. This is potentially a problem, because I actually don’t use a lot of them. On the other hand, she made a pun with them already, and mom doesn’t usually do that, so there is awesome happening.
Natalie Portman being confused by the fact that you have to say “hi” to someone before starting a conversation in France got me like ?????
“I feel there’s a lot of rules of politeness and codes of behavior there you have to follow. […] A friend of mine taught me that when you go in some place you have to say “bonjour” before you say anything else, then you have to wait two seconds before you say something else. So if you go into a store you can’t be like “do you have this in another size,” or they’ll think you’re super rude and then they’ll be rude to you.” [X]
So that’s it guys. French are not rude, we just don’t like it when people don’t say “Hello” or “Hi” when they start a conversation.
Don’t everyone say “Hi” before they ask something to someone? What’s next? Saying please is also a french thing or others countries does that too?
Canada is similar. We say sorry and please. The Hello thing seems strange, but it actually makes sense.
Bro, this threw me for a loop when I moved up north. Like in the southern United States you say “Hi, how are you?” And then make a few seconds of small talk before you ask your question or order your food and when I went to Connecticut they were like “What do you want?” Without any hello or anything. In other places they just STARE at you waiting on you to place your order and gtfo.
I laid my hand over my chest the first time, and the only way to describe my look was “aghast” before I said “Good lord!” My husband said it’s the most southern thing he’s seen me do. He thought it was hilarious. But…. Like??? That’s rude as fuck??????? Don’t y’all say say “Hello” before throwing your demands at someone??
maybe this is why everyone thinks new yorkers are rude
this is absolutely why ppl think new englanders r rude. no one has any fucking manners
african culture, at least in ghana, demands you greet a person before you ask them something. if youre in an open market they may even ignore you if you dont.
We do this in Australia as well. If you just started straight off saying “yeah I want XXXX” we’d think you’re rude as all fuck. You say hi, then make your request. It’s basic acknowledgement of the other person as a person rather than some random request-filling machine.
Huh. Speaking as a New Englander, I usually go with “Excuse me,” but sometimes “hi” or “hey,” but with no pause – it’ll be, “Excuse me, hi, I was looking for X?” From my POV, it seems rude to get too chatty and waste some stranger’s time; I assume they have better things to do than make small talk with me, so I just get my request out there so they can answer me and get back to whatever needs doing. I always thank folks for their help afterwards, if that helps?
(The rules of etiquette are strange. People say New Englanders are rude and cold, but once during an unexpected snowstorm here in Seattle, my car got stuck and I was standing by the side of the road at a busy intersection in the snow for half an hour waiting for my housemate to come pick me up, and not a single person stopped. Back in Massachusetts, every other car on the road would’ve been pulling up to check to see if I was okay, if my phone was working, did I need a lift, etc.)
No but this was the first thing my cousin told me in France? you never ever ever start a conversation with anyone, not even like “Nice weather today, huh?” without saying Bonjour first. You HAVE to greet them or, just like Ghana, they’ll ignore the shit out of you, you rude little fucker
(And “excuse me” or “pardon me” doesn’t cut it. you still have to open with bonjour)
[and I can’t speak for New England but coming from Chicago and then moving Out West where the culture is VERY influenced by the South and DETERMINED to think of themselves as small town folk… I HATE when I have to make small talk before ordering food??? Like, if it’s a coffee shop that’s pretty much empty I’ll chit chat for a few seconds, but I’m still not going to make inane conversation about the weather unless the weather is extreme.
In a big city it is rude as fuck to waste my time making small talk with me when we are not even friends or neighbors??? I am here to get shit done. There are four other people in line behind me, and I don’t want to waste their time. I am here, I HAVE MY ORDER ALREADY DECIDED BY THE TIME I GET TO THE FRONT BECAUSE I AM NOT A CAVE WOMAN, and I am being polite by saying both Please and Thank You and not wasting other people’s daylight.]
I live in a small northern city, and I feel it would be rude to engage someone in more than maaaaaybe a sentence of small talk before placing my order. In addition to feeling I was wasting their time, I’d feel like I was demanding emotional labour (small-talk is emotional labour for *me*) that they weren’t being paid to give.
so bizarre. New Yorker here. Saying hi, how are you, etc before these kinds of commercial interactions is what’s rude to me – because ffs, there are people in line behind you, we have lives, move it along. It’s really just a dramatic cultural difference – but borne of a real practical necessity.
Oh my god saying ‘hi’ takes less than A SINGLE SECOND YOU ARE NOT WASTING ANYBODY’S TIME
In Spain you have to say hello to people before you talk to them even people who work in retail deserve that bare minimum courtesy hello??
Transplanted New Yorker here, and the feeling here is: people who work in retail deserve the bare minimum courtesy you would afford anyone else, which is to not waste their time. You maybe say a half-second “hi” and/or possibly “excuse me” to be sure you have their attention, then you get to the point as quickly and concisely as possible. You don’t wait to get a “hi” back, you probably don’t ask “how are you”, you definitely don’t talk about the weather. You smile and keep your tone of voice courteous-to-friendly, you say please, you thank them when you’re done, and you do. not. waste. their. time.
Except ”time” is really only shorthand for the concept: you don’t intrude on their lives more than you have to. NY is a very very crowded city which allows for very little personal space, so New Yorkers have developed a form of courtesy that involves minimizing our unavoidable intrusions on each other. Which is why we hold doors without making eye contact, and why we tend to feel that in any interaction with a stranger, it’s actively rude to do anything but get to the point immediately.
I’ve had long talks with people about how “polite” in NYC/NJ/New England and polite in the Midwest are very, VERY different, and this thread nails it. The Midwest (and the South, and apparently France) are very hung up on the forms of politeness, including the fake caring about other people’s days and making smalltalk. NYC-folk, instead, are focused on the effects for politeness. Am I intruding on your day? How can I make this as efficient as possible so that you can do what you want/need to be doing?
The big example I use is a tourist with a map. If you stop in the middle of the sidewalk in NYC, people get annoyed and sometimes angry (I’ve seen this happen at the top of an escalator in Penn Station…) but if you pull out of the way, someone who has a moment will come and offer to help you, generally fairly quickly.
We greet each other in Turkey with a simple “merhaba” (hello) as well! We also use “selam”, short for “selamın aleyküm” to which the person we speak to replies with “aleyküm selam”.
Greeting one another is a very important aspect of our daily lives, you see.
I think this is fascinating and something I’ve been talking about with my family (New Yorkers) for years.
One day while my mom was on her way to work in Manhattan, she was waiting on the corner to cross the street. A man on a cellphone came up besides her talking loudly. Abruptly, he turned to my mother and said, “Seventh Avenue?” She pointed to show him where to go, he nodded and walked towards Seventh Avenue, and that was their whole interaction. She had just gotten back from Paris and found it very funny and refreshing. The only rude part was the loud cellphone talking, but that’s hard to avoid in the city.
It’s part of the relationship of all New Yorkers not to waste each other’s time so we don’t miss the subway, or take up time in a stranger’s life. Especially if there is a line behind you! That’s just inconsiderate. We’re polite, but don’t waste time.
That being said, New Yorkers do look out for people. When I lived in Manhattan, I saw an older woman trip and fall on a fairly deserted sidewalk. Suddenly there were at least three people, including someone who crossed the street, helping her up, picking up her groceries, and making sure she was all right. I was going to help, but before I could take a step, she had three people helping her and she was taken care of.
And if you’re planning a trip and you want tips on the local culture of New York City, there is nothing better than this video: https://youtu.be/8LmPBPWHJu4
In Finland (where the general rule is do NOT speak to random people and just mind your own business) one is definitely supposed to greet someone before talking, as a sign that the interaction is about to start. We don’t do small talk, but it’s very impolite not to greet, say, a customer server. If I needed to ask something, I would say “excuse me” first. (And we use conditional a lot. I’m looking for a different size of clothing, especially if the person is doing something else? “Excuse me, I would have asked…” It’s just polite. We, err, are not great at asserting ourselves, and so when someone does it comes off very strong.)
whenever i’m talking to someone and they tell me about something that happened to them i always tell them about something that happened to me that’s similar to what happened to them. i do it as kind of a “oh hey yeah this happened to me so i can relate to what you’re going through” but i’m always afraid it comes out as “oh yeah well this happened to me so clearly i have it tougher than you” or “i’m done talking about you let’s talk about me”
i swear i don’t mean it like that……..
I run into this a lot with my job – so instead of telling the whole story I say something like, “Oh my gosh, I had something REALLY similar happen. What did you do after that??” And I’ve found that works. Usually they explain and then ask, “So what happened to you?” And then you’re invited to share, and the formula for conversing continues on. 🙂
of all the tumblr posts i’ve read, this one is going to change my life the fastest lol.
Thanks to both the OP for posting a thing that so many of us do, and the responder who gave us a better way to do it. You’re doing the lord’s work, my friend!
Fun fact: there isn’t anything wrong with you if you do what OP is describing.
Deborah Tannen’s work focuses on different conversational styles — the sets of behavioral norms and expectations that we bring with us to conversations. In one of her earlier articles, she describes two conflicting conversational styles that exist in the US.
One, which she (perhaps inaccurately) dubs “New York Jewish conversational style,” is based on the principle of building camaraderie with one’s interlocutor. The other, which she doesn’t really name but which we could call “mainstream American conversational style,” is based on the principle of not imposing on one’s interlocutor.
Each conversational style has its own behavioral norms. Mainstream American conversational style involves things like asking your interlocutor questions about him/herself and waiting until your interlocutor is clearly finished speaking until you say something. These demonstrate a focus on one’s interlocutor and a clear resistance to imposing. NYJ conversational style involves things like conversational overlaps — speaking at the same time as one’s interlocutor — and “swapping stories.” These demonstrate a high level of engagement with one’s interlocutor. Conversationalists using the mainstream American style make space for each other; conversationalists using the New York Jewish style carve out their own space.
Each of these conversational styles works well when the two people conversing have the same style. Imagine two friends meeting for drinks after work:
“Oh, hello! How was your trip here?”
“Oh, it was awful. There was so much traffic on the turnpike.”
“That’s terrible.”
“I know. How was your trip?”
“Well, there was an accident on the bridge.”
“Oh no! Was there a big backup?”
“Yeah, pretty big.”“Oh, hi!”
“Hey! Ugh, sorry I’m late, there was so much traffic on the turnpike—”
“Oh my god, I know, there was an accident on the bridge and the cars were backed up a MILE—”
“That is the worst, I remember one time I sat in traffic for an HOUR waiting to get through that toll, they really should—”
“Add more EZ-pass lanes, right?”
“Add more lanes, yeah, exactly.”Both of these conversations worked: the participants feel that they’ve had their say and that they’ve been understood. They feel connected to their interlocutor.
But when people with conflicting conversational styles converse, that’s where things go wrong. Because we interpret other people’s contributions according to our own conversational style. So the person with mainstream American conversational style comes away thinking “Why did they keep interrupting me? Why didn’t they ask me any questions about me? Why were they so loud and emotional?” And the person with the New York Jewish conversational style comes away thinking “Why were they so disengaged? They didn’t seem involved in the conversation at all. They didn’t even offer any personal information.”
Rather, they would come away thinking that, except that we’re taught growing up that the first example conversation up there is what conversations should look like. So the person with the New York Jewish conversational style actually comes away from the conversation thinking “oh my god, what was I doing? I kept talking about myself. I think I kept interrupting them. I am so rude, god, I’m the worst.” When in fact: a) it’s about cultural difference, not individual moral qualities; and b) one conversational style isn’t inherently “better” than another.
Which isn’t to say that we shouldn’t attempt to bridge the gap between conversational styles, as suggested above. But we should be aware that:
TL;DR: Cultural difference is often mistaken for individual moral failings.
OH MY GOD THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH
My wife and I used to have so many issues until we figured out that we had conflicting conversational styles. My style is the West Indian version of New York Jewish. The more interested, engaged and comfortable I am with the speaker, the louder, more emotional and more just jump in and talk while she was talking.
Her style is the Jacksonville Florida version of mainstream American. Slow, measured, waiting for the other person to tell their story.
Until we figured that out, I felt like she wasn’t engaged and she felt like I was bulldozing right over her.
We’ve met in the middle. I give her more room to talk and she’s slowly learning to get excited and jump in.
This is actually really interesting for me in particular– I and a lot of people sort of “get by” on scripts because of autism or other reasons. So the idea that your scripts could be from an “incompatible” style and need tweaking depending on who you’re talking to adds another layer of complexity.
Also the fact that someone who can’t navigate social situations as well as others might never develop the “style” typical of the area of the world they live in, resulting in feelings of being an ‘outsider.’
Furthermore, there is the phenomenon that everybody seems to think everybody else from other regions (or countries!) is some shade of rude– it probably has less to do with character, and more to do with our communication styles. Whether we speak the same language as a primary language, or if someone’s transplanted a conversational style from a different, native language.
If you’re unsure how to pet a cat (i.e., maybe you didn’t have cats around growing up), it can be helpful to bear in mind that petting is a grooming activity. Grooming each other is how cats bond. Of course, each cat will have individual preferences, but the fact that it’s a grooming thing gives you two basic places to start:
- Scratch areas that the cat has difficulty reaching, like the chin and upper throat, behind the ears, or the the very top of the head. (Watch the body language here – you’ll know if you pick the wrong spot right away.)
- Work your fingers deeply into areas of thick fur where tangles are likely to form, like around the shoulderblades or the ruff of the neck. (You may come away with a handful of loose fur; this means you’re doing it right.)
Also, if you’re unsure of how to approach, try extending your hand with the palm up and the fingers relaxed for the cat to sniff. It’s the cat equivalent of a handshake – cats sniff each other to see where they’ve been, and for humans, it’s the hands that carry our scent history, since we touch everything constantly.
It’s kind of amazing watching all the folks who didn’t know that petting is a grooming behaviour come to the realisation that cats lick you because they want to pet you back.
Another thing you can do with skittish cats is offer your *closed fist*.
A cat that is shy of an open hand that can grab may approach a closed hand that they don’t perceive as trying to grab them. (Needless to say, don’t actually grab them, please.)
They bonk against your hands (and your head, if they are at head level) the same way they bonk against one another’s heads. It’s a friendly greeting that often ends in friendly cats turning and licking each others shoulders, necks, and ears a few times.
They scent mark by rubbing their faces on things. Their cheek glands produce a pleasant-smelling (to them, we can’t smell it) pheromone that projects friendship and reassurance. When they scent mark you like this, it is a friendly gesture.
So with this in mind, try letting the cat bump your fist, then gently rub the fist past the side of their face as they rub their face against your fist. Think of your fist like a cat’s head, and you are scent marking them back. You are sharing a friendly gesture.
A worried cat may warm up after a few passes of this, and you may be able to pet the neck and back of the head. The under-chin/throat area can be a little dicey. They don’t casually kiss each other there.very often and it can make them feel vulnerable.
Rolling over to show the tummy does not always mean the same thing it means for dogs. Unless you know the cat, be very careful touching the tummy. It might not be an invitation. It might be a readiness posture.
Digression: cats don’t show submission by rolling. Rolling is a defensive maneuver that prepares them for possible combat with other cats by putting their most powerful weapons – their teeth and back claws – into play simultaneously. They fight other cats by hugging with the front legs, biting anything they can reach, and kicking with the incredibly strong hind legs. It is an advantageous position for fighting/play fighting, lets them see all around them AND above, where humans usually approach them from, and it keeps them from getting pinned on their bellies, unable to retaliate. If they need to, they can flip and run away easily because cats are FAST.
So yeah, some cats love tummy stuff. Some hate it and just want you to admire from afar. A gentle hand placed on their tummy should tell you whether they want actual pets there or not. If they stretch or open up their body language, that’s good. If they tense or “sit up” to look at your hand, that’s not good. Stop petting and go back to the head.
Obviously if they grab your hand and rabbit-kick and bite, then you should not pet them there.
Some cats have a hair trigger. Sorry about that.
You can also pet them without moving your hand, just hold it out and let them rub against it. This will give you a good idea of where they like to be touched and how hard and for how long.
Very shy cats, once they realize you are willing to pet them without grabbing, may really come to enjoy approaching you.
We have a cat like this. If you let him see you respect him by not over-petting, he will rub against your hands and legs for a long time.
The moral is that cats are not inconsistent jerks, it’s just that we misinterpret their body language.
It’s also that we do not respect their boundaries when they present them, because we, as humans, want to be allowed to pet all soft things, and, somewhat spoiled by dogs, who love it nearly unconditionally, we unreasonably expect it of cats, a very very different animal.
If you want a cat to come back for more, don’t push yourself on them. They will remember you are a Cool Human and will come back for more.
(Also, speak softly. Cats usually really hate loud people.)
HELPFUL
I have had 3 cats for an excess of 5 years, and I feel ashamed to say I knew almost none of it ;-;
Do not feel bad, friend! I, an Old Person, did not know most of this until the last handful of years! And I have had cats since I was an infant.
The information about the belly, particularly, was only explained to me a few months ago. I knew they had this behavior, but did not know WHY. Now that I know, A LOT of cat behavior makes a lot more sense. And if you love the fact that cats are murdering little carnivores like I do, it’s actually COOL.
I have since done research for a writing project that led me to look up some videos featuring wild mountain lions and jaguars fighting with (not just hunting, but actual fighting) other animals. (Don’t do this if you are even slightly squeamish. It’s potentially really upsetting.)
Especially with animals half their size you’d think they’d just jump on and and hold them down. No. Discounting a couple of beautiful Ezio Auditore insta-kills that happened in mere seconds, they grabbed and rolled every single time.
Grisly but it seems to prove the theory as it was explained to me. It’s an ingrained, instinctive response, and it is a combat response, not a hunting one.
When you pet a cat and it hugs your arm and kicks and bites, playfully I hope, that is what they are doing. It’s play combat. Or, if you push your luck, actual combat.
I’ve had a berserk-angry cat full-on latch onto my arm and attack me with its back legs, holding on tight enough that I was able to lift it up off the ground to shoulder-height while it ripped at me with its back claws (it was upside down and still using its hind legs – cats have incredible core muscles). Even a housecat can be a terrifying opponent. Do not mess with an angry cat. If I hadn’t been wearing a VERY thick leather jacket and it hadn’t gotten me behind the wrist, I would have wound up in the emergency room getting stitches and antibiotics out the wazoo.
I love cats, I love them more than anything, but I don’t fuck with ‘em.
There's a Mirror on the Wall 