And it’s no one else’s business what the trauma is, or why the person who went through it is comfortable with the particular label they chose for their sexuality, not someone else’s business to determine the validity of that person’s chosen label.
(And hey, if they change thier mind later, than that’s ok too, because sexuality can be fluid, and recovery is not a “point a to point b” journey, but an ongoing process that can sometimes take an entire lifetime.)
Two episodes with the large part at the center skipped because a lot of nope, and a few other episodes later, and oh look, it’s another episode of “but everyone wants romance and/or sex, because if they don’t, they’re broken”.
*thumps head on desk* Damnit.
(Also, no matter what the lines are, or the facial expressions, there’s something missing in the interactions between them. Like Odo is going through the motions of something that he understands from observation, but doesn’t actually feel.)
I’m not usually one to do really deep, pained posts, but I just saw something that hurt me and I don’t want to keep it silent and stuffed away, because I deserve to talk about this. Every aromantic person does.
So I was on this blog, just looking around because it’s very nice, and I stumbled on this ask the person got about relationships in college. They answered that they had never been in a serious relationship and how they had casual flings. They ended it with talking about how they met someone that they’re really connecting with, and how they can open up to them, how they’re finally doing something really “human”.
And seeing things like that, seeing romance being equated to humanity, I don’t think people realize how much that hurts to aromantics. It feels like small knives getting thrown into you, and the more you see those remarks, the more knives you get stabbed in you. It just builds up, more and more, until you break and drown in your self hatred again. And when someone you trust says a tiny thing like that, like a friend, the knifes go into your back instead of your front. And it hurts much worse.
And what really freaking sucks is that society doesn’t care. Aromanticism is barely known to anybody. Everyone is so used to the idea that romance = everything that if you dare to deviate away from that, you’re wrong and strange and unnatural. You’re considered disgusting, a freak, and worst of all, a monster.
Even the most open-minded, friendly people often see aromanticism as something terrible and sad, something that needs to be fixed, because oh it’s okay sweetie, you’ll find someone, you won’t be lonely and unhappy forever.
But being alone isn’t equal to unhappiness, and I’m so tired of the world insisting that it is, that you can’t possibly have a good, fulfilling life without romance. I’m so exhausted of going through this day by day, waiting for society to care about us. Even though there’s been a little progress, it’s still so tiny, and I. Am. Tired.
I’m so angry that I’m supposed to just sit here and take all these little insults like they aren’t literally demonizing a part of who I am. I’m furious that aromantics haven’t gotten proper attention, and still aren’t getting it. I’m TIRED of everyone claiming they care about us, when they just join the crowd and kick us down the next moment. When they say they support your aromanticism, then go on to talk about how it’s sad that the old man is sitting by himself at the park, when he could have a romantic lover at his side instead.
Aromantics have so much expected from them that no one wants to give back. We’re supposed to suck it up, be happy for romance, even when it reminds us of how society considers us as monsters. We’re expected to put on smiles, force ourselves to watch that movie that puts romance on the highest pedestal. If a friend has a wedding, we need to congratulate them in bright spirits, because if we don’t we’re horrible, mean people that have no soul.
Being aromantic itself in this kind of society is already crushing, but then you also have all of us that have intersecting identities, like if you’re a person of color or mentally ill. And all of this demonization and negativity skyrockets if you’re aromantic but not asexual, because sex is so heavily stigmatized and taboo, and if you like sex but not romance, you’re the absolute worst kind of monster. Because you must be heartless and enjoy using people for their bodies, right? You can take it from me, someone who is bisexual and aromantic, who has seen the awful stereotypes people speak of those orientations, how they’re so eerily similar.
Romance doesn’t equate to being a human being. Aromanticism is not a screw up in our biology or a flaw that needs to be cured. It doesn’t make us freaks, or monsters, or sob stories. It’s just who we are. We don’t feel romantic attraction, and often don’t enjoy romance either, and that’s okay. We don’t deserve all this hatred, this self loathing society creates in us. It’s okay to drift away from the norm, from what everyone wants you to be. It’s okay to have flings and not relationships.
Romance is not a goal you must achieve to be wonderful.
Meaning of the letter “A” when appearing in LGBT[…]+ acronyms:
Asexual: 95.4% of respondents, 1936 total
Aromantic: 80.7% of respondents, 1639 total
Agender: 66.7% of respondents, 1353 total
Ally: 13.9% of respondents, 282 total.
I’m just posting this here for my aces and aros who are feeling down on themselves and defeated tonight. Remember that nine out of ten people support you and that the current loudest voices are not those of the majority.
If you don’t believe being asexual has any negative affect on people I was told by a psychiatrist that none of my relationships count because we didn’t have sex, and
I can’t say I’m gay since I don’t want to have sex with girls.
and I was taken off my antidepressants because they may be lowering the libido I never had in the first place (plus various other reasons, but still immediately, cold turkey, which should NEVER happen unless they’re switching you to something else)
But aphobia doesn’t exist and asexuals are privileged, right?
Sorry to add to this but I wanted to say since I’ve had bad experiences with mental health professionals and biphobia, I usually get asked “but are you sure you are sexually attracted to both sexes, are you sure it’s not just an emotional attraction?!” Like my dude don’t you think I can tell the difference between wanting to date someone and wanting to be friends? Also, due to be gray ace 90% of the time I am not even attracted to anyone but like sure, make me feel guilty that I can’t “prove” my bisexuality.
Sorry too but to add on, being aro isn’t much different. I told my therapist and she was immediately concerned that my meds were repressing “all my emotions” and wanted to take me off them. My insurance ran out and I went off them bc of no money before that happened. She also suggested dating someone anyway to “fix” the “issue” and expressed concern that my emotions (romantic feelings) weren’t present because “I’m suspicious and untrusting of everyone and don’t want to try hard enough.”
Having your orientation medicalized and invalidated is bad enough, but its fucking dangerous to have your meds taken away because you’re not performing relationships the way some doctor thinks you’re required to.
Aaaand this is why we need the bi/pan/ace/aro alliance.
this is why we need to recognize more queer experiences and identities than gay and lesbian, through increased awareness, information and representation.
You know who doesn’t get enough love? Ace boys. So here’s to the demi or grey-ace or ace boys. Here’s to the boys who get told by society that they should be all about sex but who don’t feel the same way. Here’s to the aro boys who get told they’re jerks for not wanting a relationship. It’s ok, you’re ok! You and your feelings are valid.
A witch puts a spell on a girl, a sleeping spell that promises the girl shall wake through true love’s kiss. Men come and kiss her. She slumbers. Women come and press their lips to hers, but still she sleeps. Many years past, and the girl remains still. One bright morning, a lost little boy finds her resting spot and clears the dust and grime from her face. He offers her a kiss on her forehead, and her eyes flutter open. She never feels romantic love for a man nor a woman, and she cares for the boy until the day she dies.
A young woman is imprisoned in a castle by a monstrously formed prince. The servants of the castle hope for them to fall in love, and when the spell is broken they assume their prayers have been answered. They are all surprised, but nonetheless pleased, when it is revealed to them that the young woman and prince are the truest of friends, and nothing more.
They say the kingdom is ruled by an evil queen, a woman who is incapable of loving. She is unmarried, she has no consorts, and she wishes for no partner. She is the wretched queen, the heartless queen. She must hate her daughter, for her daughter is beautiful, and women are incapable of liking another woman who’s prettier than themselves. It must be for this reason that the princess was sent away, not for how she was attacked by a man in the woods. They say the kingdom is ruled by an evil queen because she cannot love. The queen loves her daughter, and that is enough for them both.
There lives a prince who is forced to choose a bride at the ball. He meets many beautiful women, but find none which he loves. He spies one in a gorgeous gown and wonder in her eyes, and he dances with her all night long. The kingdom is sure he has found his bride. When the clock strikes midnight he tells her how he will never love a woman, or a man, in the way he is expected to. The beautiful woman smiles and tells him she expects nothing from him. The next morning the prince and the beautiful woman are missing, having run off together to see the world. They leave their shoes behind in their haste.
Many kinds of love exist. It doesn’t all have to be romantic.
“Many bisexual respondents described bisexuality as a potential or as an essential quality that many people possess, but that only some people express through actual feelings of attraction or sexual behavior.
“According to this definition, people can be – and are – bisexual without ever experiencing an attraction to one sex or the other and without ever having sexual relations with one sex or the other.
“In contrast to lesbian respondents, most of whom define a bisexual as a person who feels attracted to or has sexual relations with both sexes, very few bisexual women define bisexuals as people who necessarily have these actual emotional and physical experiences.” – Bisexuality and the Challenge to Lesbian Politics, by Paula Rust, in 1995
[Note that yes, she and her respondents are using cissexist mid-90s wording that isn’t inclusive of nonbinary/genderqueer people. We spent much less time educating cis people about gender-inclusive language in the mid-90s. In modern terms, they are saying “to any gender” and “with any gender”.]
“[A]s a bi trans woman who was there and actually saw
aroaces being part of the bi community and putting in the work and
dealing with the oppression… The bi community was actively rejecting
definitions beyond ‘not gay, not straight’ into the mid-90s, because every definition offered excluded some of its members.” – @wetwareproblem, from this post
“When I grew up, heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual were explicitly not specifically sexual. “It’s not about sex!” was a battlecry. This was emphasized frequently as
people would sit there trying to come up with some gotcha that meant
that you couldn’t be gay and a virgin at the same time. Or — and this is
important: that you couldn’t be queer if you weren’t interested in sex. While it’s not necessarily the same as explicitly affirming
asexuality, this was a way in which the asexual experience was made
intelligible under the mainstream organization of sexuality.
“There was a lot of rhetoric that emphasized this point. In particular, that the fixation on the sexual part
of homo/bi-sexuality was actually a form of heterocentrism in which
hets would try to strip queers of the capability for romantic
attraction. “Yes, there are problems there. Yes, there’s the privileging of romantic attraction as better and more pure than sexual. And it’s worth talking about.
“But that’s not what I’m getting at right now.What I am getting at, is that in the models I grew up with, among the queers I grew up around, both aro and ace people could qualify as not just bi, but bisexual….
“During a time in which being aro or ace (or aroace) was even less intelligible to the mainstream — or even the mainstream queer community — than it is now, where were
the ace and aro bi people? Where did they organize under when trying to
deal with monosexism? Where did they vent their frustrations over LG
exclusion? Where did they openly talk about their attractions? Who were
they fighting alongside? “Bisexuals.
asexuality isnt just a blank spot where an orientation would be, it’s its own orientation that affects people and is part of their identity. it isnt just overwritten by the romantic part (or sexual part in the case of aromantics) with a little side note on the bottom saying ‘oh btw i dont want to have sex/be romantic with u’ (which isnt accurate at all anyways)
There's a Mirror on the Wall 