lynati:

star-anise:

iokheaira:

violent-darts:

star-anise:

Petition to fucking salt and burn the concept of “attention-seeking behaviour” as something intrinsically bad in children

To elaborate: If a child especially* is seeking attention, it’s because they fucking need some attention. “Attention and interaction from adults” is a non-negotiable neurological need. It is as important as food and water and clothing and a place to pee. 

There will be times when a child seeks attention that are Unfortunate, either because now is not a good time for attention, or because the manner in which they are trying to get the attention is Unfortunate. See also “TALK TO ME WHEN YOU ARE ON AN IMPORTANT PHONE-CALL” and “I WILL GET YOUR ATTENTION BY SCREAMING AND BREAKING YOUR STUFF.” 

But here’s the trick: if they are seeking attention then, and in that way, that means that they are not getting attention they need otherwise. And not reinforcing the bad behaviour is only half the solution. The other half is giving them attention in other ways and responses to other things. 

If the only way that a child gets attention is by acting out? They will act out. Their all-powerful lizard-brains (which are absolutely, in children, VERY POWERFUL) will eventually literally just see the negative consequences of the behaviour as the price to pay for getting the attention their brains absolutely need as much as their bodies need food and water and to take a piss. 

You cannot get out of the absolute responsibility to give a child under your care regular positive attention and interaction. If the child under your care is starting to show bad attention-seeking behaviour? That is a fail-proof diagnostic that on some level that child is not getting the attention and validation they need. 

This does not mean that you do things that will tell them “yes, behaving this way will get you good attention.” But it does mean that you need to start showing them how to get more good attention from you. 

You have to start teaching, “No, you cannot crawl all over me when I’m on the phone – but when I hang up the phone you can come ask for a hug or for me to look at your drawing”. YOU HAVE TO DO BOTH PARTS OF THIS. If you need a child to stop doing things like Making Messes for Attention, you have to start GIVING THEM attention for good things (and you know you might have to start at the very very bottom of the rung with “thank you so much for not making a mess today! Let’s play hide and seek!” Or something similar, but TOUGH SHIT, YOU ARE THE GROWNUP, THEY ARE THE CHILD). 

 …  and if the child in question is younger than 12 (well really 18 at least, but DEFINITELY 12) months just fucking pay attention to them, they don’t have the cognitive capacity to understand putting off fulfillment, ok? 

You know what the WORST THING possible for a baby to start doing is? Not trying to get adult attention. 

Because that means that their brains have decided that you have abandoned them in the grass for the hyenas to eat, so they’re just going to stop developing and start dissociating. And this ends up with attachment disorders that will actually cause the child great difficulties in later life.

If a baby is crying and honestly distressed, fucking soothe it already. 

(nb: yes, to some extent babies do need to learn to self-soothe; this lady has an actually sane article about this process which is a miracle, which gets into more detail about the processes involved and how it is a PROCESS, not just leaving the baby there to cry itself into hysterical exhaustion and teaching it that you won’t respond to its needs. PROCESS.) (nb2: sometimes the sleep/soothe process also gets into genuinely Medically Complicated Territory at which point you should be working with an actual paediatrician with specific training/etc, and you STILL don’t just leave the fucking baby there to scream for hours, trust me). 

This has been your swear-filled elaboration of a friend’s aggravation for the day. Tip your server. 

*adults also need attention, but adults are, well, adults: it is in fact their own responsibility to figure out how to seek attention from people who have the capacity to give it to them, at times that are good for everyone involved, etc. Children, however, are damn well children and it is the responsibility of caregiver adults to fulfill their needs and TEACH THEM how to fulfill their needs as they grow. 

Also, sometimes you as the adult may need to SET THEM UP so you can give them positive attention, if they don’t give you enough opportunities naturally. Something really stupidly easy. Something tiny, I don’t mean a big reward but literally just saying thanks or smiling or other mild positive acknowledgement, and then lather rinse repeat until the kid (or. Uh. Horse. Just as an example.) learns to trust you as a source of normal positive human interaction, and then I guess just keep going with the positive interaction. (This obvs. doesn’t mean being totally happy and positive all the time because that’s a) not possible and b) learning how to deal with fucking up and negative emotions is also important, just that ONLY giving negative attention is not good for the reasons stated above.)

Yesss. A concept I use a lot with parents is, “Catch them being good.”  Make a point of spotting the moments when they ARE doing what you want, and let them know you’re paying attention.

And you’re right, it’s not just praise. It’s literally anything. The point is “serve and return” interactions that literally build brain circuitry:

“Because that means that their brains have decided that you have abandoned them in the grass for the hyenas to eat, so they’re just going to stop developing and start dissociating. And this ends up with attachment disorders that will actually cause the child great difficulties in later life.”

….OH.